This past week was predictable. He was in Vegas for work. In-laws has the kids Monday and Tuesday so he was texting me regularly to check on what I was doing. I admit, I responded on Monday but didn’t Tuesday. I had the kids Wednesday and Thursday so of course I didn’t hear from him. But I contacted him Thursday to find out what time he was picking up the kids on Friday and he got upset that I was “bothering” him. He said “I need to adjust how I set expectations with you.” Wow.
H came over last night to pick up the kids. We sat down to talk about some household and kid related stuff. I find he is more amenable when we do these talks in person but I was still nervous we’d get into a fight because I had quite a few financial topics to discuss that required him giving me more money - I’m finding the monthly budget I set isn’t enough, Christmas gifts, etc. I expected him to blow up but instead he said yes to all without even complaining. He almost offered me more money. He even said “I want to support you.” What, did he win the jackpot while in Vegas? I’m waiting for him to renege and flip out about money again.
I bring up mediation. We had an intro meeting with one mediator last week. We had another intro with a second one scheduled in two weeks. He told me before Thanksgiving that the second one was pointless because he didn’t want to wait that long to meet with another mediator, that we should just go with the first one and get things going. Then yesterday, I told him I was going to cancel the meeting with the second mediator. He said “Why? Keep it. We have time.” Huh?
So before he leaves he grabs me and kisses me passionately. I got weak and let him. Then, he tells me “We can’t do this physical stuff anymore. It’s hard because when I see you, you look so hot, but it’s not fair to you or me. We can’t keep yo-yo’ing, and I don’t want to hurt you.” WTF. Ok, he’s right that we can’t do physical stuff anymore but I was mad that he kissed me and then said this to me. I was mad that he said it to me when I was already trying to detach. I was mad that he said he didn’t want to hurt me...um, haven’t you done that already? And I was mad that last week it was “I’m thinking about you. I miss you. I love you.”
My next moment of weakness, I asked if he was in a relationship with the OW. He said “I don’t know. I mean, I’m not in anything right now but eventually I will be with her or with someone else.” Again, inability to just tell me. I got my senses together and said “You’re right. We can’t be physical anymore.” He didn’t say anything but I think he was a little surprised I agreed instead of getting upset.
He left after that. I’m still mad that he kissed me and then brought this up. I wanted to detach without it seeming like it was his idea. Does that make sense? I know, it shouldn’t matter either way.
I’m also still hurt and in disbelief that he is starting a relationship with the OW. I don’t want her anywhere near my kids. Everyone tells me that it won’t last but honestly, I don’t know with them. They had an affair for a year and saw each other almost every morning, lunches on work days, and one day almost every other weekend so I feel they got to know each other well vs other affairs where they don’t see each other often and only realize they are not compatible after they spend more time together. They bonded because they were both unhappy in their marriages and had their favorite activities in common - mountain climbing, hiking, etc. I know I can’t control things, but I fear this could become something serious. I hope it does not. But what we focus on grows so I know I need to stop worrying about it.
I guess it is all the more reason for me to truly detach. I know I should do it for myself and I do realize I’ve always deserved better. I want to start off today differently. I want to detach. I want to have a different attitude and put out a different energy than what I’ve been giving out the last six months. I’m tired of all this bulls*#t and want him to realize what he is losing but I also want to stop caring whether or not he realizes it.
