Thanks guys for your support. I always knew I think that detachment would eventually be organic - it would just happen after months of being forced, but I had not expected it to hurt. I am in now way saying I am there yet, or that I have given up hope (I don’t think I ever will) but I do not care anymore about the things he says or does. Not strictly true - I do think about things but only in terms of logistics and practicalities. have not been kept up at night going around the tunnels wondering who he is with or what he is doing.
I have been reading DjVs thread and I see so much of me in her words. Me immediately after he MO. I read her pain, her grief and her fear and DjV I just want to say “you will be fine because I am fine and you are me”. You are kind and smart and strong and wonderful. You just need to remember. I so much wish I could give you a hug and say thank you for being you.
Journaling
I am at netball with H and my kids. It is his day today but I said I wanted to come watch. However, when he can over to pick us up it was raining and I said instead of going together I would take D9 in when her game starts and that way he could take D12 home. The girls were playing at different times. He got a bit upset and said something about parking and better with one car. In interest of not getting into an argument, I said ok. So, sat with D9 in cafe whilst D12 played and now sitting with D12 whilst D9 plays. He seems to want to spend time with me but doesn’t know how to say it so uses kids as an excuse. This afternoon he is getting the Christmas decorations out and we are putting the tree etc up together. I asked him to get them out then said I could either put them out this afternoon whilst he has the girls or they could stay and do it together. And Ovrr if you are reading this - yes I recognise this is weird - Cake eating for both of us masquerading as wanting to “keep things normal” for the kids. I know, if things don’t work out this will be the last Christmas together in this house. I am not saying that with sadness - just a fact.
D9 is also suffering from tummy upsets now. I am not sure if this is mimicking D12 or is something that is real. I suspect a bit of both. H now wants us to limit sweets and chocolates as he thinks it is their diet. FFS !!! Take responsibility.
After putting the tree out he is taking them over to his mums and then having them overnight. I will be invited to his mums but might bail today. It is getting increasingly uncomfortable with his family - like I said before. They are mostly embarrassed by what’s happened and don’t really know what to say. His mum thinks our relationship is weird - you don’t act like your separated, he still talks about you like you’re together - and now doesn’t know how to act around us. But I also know that if I stay away too long then that just makes it weirder when we do see each other. This is what happened with his sister and it’s been so long since we saw each other that we can’t just call each other now and see how the other one is doing. I don’t want that to happen between me and his mum - though it is happening anyway. She never calls me to arrange days with the children anymore.
Still no response on email asking him to have the children more often !!!
