Introduction

[TJT]

Thank you DejaVu! I agree and had the same thought about BOTH of us not really being "ready" but like you said, even if it's just as friends that would be good in my book! And I know I'd probably be the slowest person to "warm up" to a new relationship on earth at this point...but would also welcome the opportunity to form a meaningful connection with someone.

There were things he said in the span of like 5 minutes talking to me pretty much as a total stranger where I was like OMG NO DON'T YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF (like blaming himself for things). I consciously thought that without any additional expectation whatsoever, it would be great for us just to talk!

If I really want to jump to the wild possibilities of the situation (because you know I already have) I thought about how I think I would do if I DID want to date a guy who has TWO kids, both a few years younger than H's son. It was already hard enough for me to fit into a step parent role with him...but I'm also convinced part of that had to do with H's personality and parenting style.

I've actually been on the fence about whether I want kids of my own and kind of stressed about if for a few years not wanting to make the "wrong" choice either way (not having kids and regretting it later, or having kids and feeling like it held me back from the life I wanted, or it just stressing me out and not being able to handle it... although I know people rarely admit that). The past few years in my M and especially now, I'm starting to feel like it's one of those intuition things where it's not necessarily me, but how I perceived my H as a parent as well, that affected my feelings on children with him.

I've honestly had feelings that maybe if certain parts of H's personality or habits were more aligned with mine in terms of parenting, I would have been more willing to start a family with him... in other words, maybe it's not that I don't want kids full stop, but more that I had an intuition about who a good partner would be to have them with. I am definitely thankful now that I didn't have kids with H... sometimes I ask myself if maybe that's one of those things he was unhappy with that "caused" all this, because he always said he would have a "herd" of children (but would claim he was okay with whatever I wanted)

I also get the impression that OW is all about babies, because she's young and thinks that's all cute and #lifegoals and she has friends who have had babies pretty young... and because of things her Ex BF has told me. So I have these images in my head of H thinking of her as like this fertile ground to procreate, even though he's older now and I truthfully don't know if he'd REALLY want that. Although since he has also developed some minor "performance" issues in the past year (which I couldn't care less about) I wonder if that had something to do with it too and him feeling a need to "prove" himself.

All of this just to say that I'm trying to figure out if in the future, anyone with kids from a prior relationship will be just as hard as it was with H... or if it may be different/easier for me to handle with a different person.

Not trying to figure it all out now for sure. Just content with the fact that I had an enjoyable night!