Introduction

[TJT]

Are you seeing an IC?

Yes

One thing my IC helped me with is the communication dynamic between men and women. In general men think and communicate in a very logistical method. They are wired to compartmentalize, literally they have more neural connections than women in certain parts of the brain that result in this. Women on the other hand think and communicate from an emotional base, and have more neural connections in certain parts of the brain than men that leads to this type of thinking and communication.

I understand. Yet we are smart enough to know/realize this, therefore smart enough to manage it or at least communicate and work to understand where we may be perceiving something different than the other person. But I still see a lot of people pulling the "I'm a man" or "I'm a woman" card. Basically we may be "predisposed' to think a certain way but that doesn't mean we can't be aware of it and do something about it.

You also mentioned that you and your H are introverts, I am in the same boat. As you probably know introverts especially of certain personality types internalize emotions. We feel just like everyone else you may never see it.

I'm very outspoken and direct and expressive. I'm not shy whatsoever. I do ruminate but you will usually end up knowing about it because I can't keep it in. The introversion quality in me is not getting my "energy" from other people. If you haven't read Susan Cain's "Quiet" book, I highly recommend it as it helped me understand why I don't come off to others and introvert but consider myself to be one. What I learned is that it's about energy. Socializing drains my energy even if I enjoy it. I have to recharge with my alone time.

I do understand there are other "types" on the spectrum where expression is an issue but I honestly think that's too much of a simplification to explain my H. It's poor communication skills in general, compartmentalization/avoidance, fixed mindset, ego, etc. And to be honest, laziness, which is the hardest one to understand since it seems his need is to be needed, but it's kind of hard to make yourself needed by someone if your effort is so low, unless their standards are really low!

If your H does this, well nothing can be done about it unless he addresses it in IC or its something he works on if you were to ever recon.

This is what the future relies on in my opinion. I have things to improve but I'm in IC, I've always been a learner and willing to change. H on the other hand has a very black and white view of things, doesn't believe people or behaviors can change, and I've noticed he does have a pattern of just "switching off" with people - not just me. When all of this started going down I very quickly realized that any attempt to ask him to work on things, whether with me or by himself, whether with a counselor or with a friend, his parents, or whoever, was for naught. He simply doesn't want to do it or doesn't think he needs it or figures he can do it himself.

I'm a fixer and as I've said before, part of what kills me is knowing that things COULD be fixed, that it's not a fundamental compatibility problem, but rather the other person simply doesn't want to do it. He has things to figure out and address himself. I know that and would definitely require that if he were to come back and act like he wanted R. As optimistic and hopeful and yes, I suppose happy as I would be... I have a long list of things in my head that he would have to agree to in order for me to even attempt to have a relationship with him again. I know it would not just be "back to normal". I know that even if him being around puts me back into a comfort zone, there will be a TON of things I would no longer accept or be comfortable with (him sleeping in another room, phone secrecy, the way he communicates, division of household work, norms around communicating in general about how he's feeling, what he needs, and ensuring we have regular check-ins...)

As I said before, the number one thing I think I did wrong in choosing him as a mate was not placing higher value on the growth mindset. He seemed so laid back that I never thought it would be an issue - we seemed to balance each other out well, with me being a little more organized and him being more "blow with the wind". Now I realize that the lack of stance isn't because there wasn't one, but rather I didn't know what it was and was never going to be able to influence what it was as a result. And I think part of that is because he really thinks he can "handle" and avoid things, not as if it's an intentional, malicious act toward me. But that's what he has to face up to: putting two and two together and realizing how his avoidance and internalization causes the issues it does, both for others and within himself.