Turbine... I really wish there was something I could say to you right now that would help. I had an awful day Wednesday. Close to tears a number of times and then a bit of a meltdown when I got home. Fighting a migraine (still am). Yesterday was a very different day. I went out for a couple of walks with co-workers and at points during the walks, I remember thinking..."Hey...I'm feeling okay right now."... and then I gave myself permission to feel okay. Sometimes I think things are always the darkest before the dawn. I feel like I am on the edge of letting go and these waves of sadness that have been hitting me lately are just my stubborn heart that still wants to have that life I thought I had and would have with my H. And after so many years of constantly thinking about the needs of others, I'm starting to ask myself... "What does DV want?" and, more importantly, what does DV DESERVE. I KNOW that I deserved much better than what my H has given me over the years and what he would be capable of giving me now given where his head is at. You DESERVE more too.
None of us are in these sitches by choice. This has been forced upon us in the cruelest of ways. But not all of our choices have been taken away. We get to choose how we handle this. We get to choose whether we hold our heads up high and make the best of things or hang our heads down low and be victims. Like it or not, many of us will still end up D regardless of what we do. So...I am choosing the former... for me, for my kids, and for my H. I will never agree with him and the things he has done. Certainly, different choices on his part would have led to a different outcome but I have to recognize and honour that they were his choices to make. So I continue to work on me... he will do what he will do. I will survive and you will too. (((Turbine)))
