Oh, and it works in the reverse. I told M the other weekend "I am free after work, would you like to do something?" he said yes, then I had a great idea of a place I knew he would like, I made the reservations, AND I paid. But I took control of that particular date instead of bouncing it back and forth and assuming.
You know a big part that got us all D'd and having to date again? lack of direct communication, lots of assumptions, and waiting for the other person to do something about it.
I am SO far from princess it isn't even funny, but asking me out directly, to me is just good southern boy manners. Apparently, that translates up north too, since I know G is not southern. I think we are both saying the same thing. Be direct. Just because you treat someone well does not at all mean you are "spoiling" her or treating her like a princess. It means you are a decent, respectable guy who knows how to treat a woman properly.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Last Sunday I gave her my number and asked her to give me a call so we could coordinate meeting up for a drink. She texted me, never mentioned us getting together but wanted to talk on the phone. Ok...fine your not comfortable yet and you need to vet me some more. So she called on Monday, we chatted for 1 hr or so. She called again on Tuesday and we chatted for roughly 30 min. NC on Wed. I sent her a text yday am wishing her luck on her preso. Then she dropped me a text this morning saying she was heading home and we had a brief 10 min exchange.
I have no problems directly asking anyone out, suggesting times and picking the places. This one was different because she has been out of town all week and at 5 am in the morning probably wasn't thinking about what her schedule looked like for next week. I assume she wants to reconnect with her kids, get back into her routine and once she is settled we can coordinate meeting for a cocktail.
I wanted her to know that I had not forgot about us meeting for a drink. This is the second time I have brought it up and more than likely I will follow up with her on Sunday and set something up specific as she should be back into her routine by then. The first time she did not bring up meeting however this time she said "for sure!!" She knows.
As far as giving out my availability first......it is a strategy so if the girl comes back and suggests dates that I originally said I was not available I don't look all desperate and like I don't have a life (once I commit to my availability I am not going to change it just so I can match hers). I don't want to give the girl the appearance that I have nothing else going on in my life. So I make her tip her hand first.
I also don't ask if she would "like" to get a drink with me. I assume it already because I am quite the catch and I just flat out say...."Let's grab a drink this week. When are you free?" My view point is that she should be lucky to be out with me and I assume that is why we are chatting. I don't try to hide my agenda...I try to get to rejection or connection as soon as possible.
I have had 8 first dates and only one has made it to multiple dates. It's a FWB which I think is coming to an end because she wants more and I am not there with her..
The 7 that didn't make it to second dates were a mixture of no connection, photo deception and for an example one never asked me one question about my children.
I ask when are you free to meet for a drink? When they send me their availability I research places CLOSE to them and pick one. I then send a message how does Saturday at 7:00 pm at Jdogs bar and grill sound? So far everyone has said sounds good.
I don't tell my friends anymore until after the date because dates get changed around for various reasons.
She's not any different, J. If you are going to mention it, mention it when you are ready to ask her out properly. You mentioned it and waited to set something firm for when she gets back, she's back now, so do it all the way!
Letting a woman know your availability is in no way showing desperation. Maybe saying "I've got every day free it's yours to choose" looks desperate. Giving an option of one or two days, most certainly does not. It shows interest in getting to meet her. Which a woman also wants, you know?
And your view point is "she should be lucky to be out with you"???? I don't even have words. You are not chatting because she is lucky to go out with you! You are chatting to get to know each other, set up a date and see if you both mutually feel like it is something you would like to further pursue. She doesn't even know you to know if she should feel "lucky to go out with you"
J- if you really want a quality woman, you are going to have to approach this differently. take or leave my advice. That's fine. But I can't help but cringe reading some of this and I can't imagine what kind of women this is attracting.
I will G.....more than likely I will seal the deal on Sunday.
The problem with giving out your availability first is if the days you give out initially don't match what she comes back with. I say Mon/Tues then she comes back with Thur/Fri. I might have those days open as well but I have already committed to when I was free but since I didn't want to make it look like I had the entire week open I didn't offer my complete availability. If this happens then your backed into a corner. I just find it easier to have the woman put her cards on the table first.
I don't walk around all arrogant but IMO you have to have that mindset. You need to have the abundance mentality and the date is not all about me passing her tests. It's a two way street and I am vetting you out as well. I know who I am, what I have to offer, and the work I have put in.
Isn't "I would love to get to know you better, when are you free to get a coffee or a drink" conveying interest?
Yes it is. This is absolutely acceptable. I would think the other person is interested, not playing games and is being considerate of my schedule. Just not "I'm taking you for a drink" and not asking me when. And if the other person doesn't respond to that request, then you can tell they aren't interested and it's time to move on.
J, passing what "tests"? I think you are overthinking it way too much. It's just about asking a woman out and treating her with respect to get to know eachother. And if she ignores your question of when she would like to go out, you will know she is not genuinely interested and then move on to the next. I also think you are trying to get these women to pass too many tests. You want them to do all this pursuing and showing interest, having them set the dates before you even meet. That's a tall order.
I am not trying to be a b!tch. I am a divorced mother and full-time career woman in the age range of which you are dating who has also been thrown back into this abyss. I am self-sufficient and independent, treat the men I date as I would like to be treated and really appreciate a man who has a level of respect for that.
You should absolutely maintain your level of self worth and the woman you date should have a level of self worth too. And a woman who has self-worth doesn't let some guy just leave the ball in her court because she's lucky to have a date with him. She accepts an invitation to a man who asks her out properly and doesn't play games. Because there is no time for these silly dating games when you are a woman raising children on her own and trying to hold down a career and get the bills paid. Just as a guy in the same position has no time for that either.
Last edited by Cadet; 12/06/1805:57 PM. Reason: combine posts
The only thing I am trying to do is gauge their interest level. I have had girls agree to meet after 2 or 3 email exchanges, I had others that just quit responding, some initially don't want to meet but want to chat more or talk on the phone, I have asked others out and they have said they will let me know but then I never heard from them again, I have had 2 that went dark on me, then re-initiated contact and when I engaged they went back dark again. Others were the conversation flowed perfectly and when I asked the date was easy to make. I have never had a girl ask me out and I do understand it is my responsibility. Honestly everyone is different and you have no idea what your going to get.
I have 2 daughters so treating a women with respect is a non-issue.
My tests aren't tests of worthiness it is more about me figuring out if they are the right person for me. I think sometimes men forget they have a choice and a say in things as well. It is not all about the woman trying to figure out if I am a good match for her...a man should be doing the same and not just accepting her because he may not have as many options. Remember G you are the one getting 52 matches a day on Bumble
I don't want them to do all the pursuing......that is a turn-off but I do expect some. Again you see the entire spectrum from women who do nothing (no texting or calling) to women who go after what they want. I don't expect a women to do everything 100% but initiating contact here and there is appreciated. I had a girl 2 months ago that never initiated any contact with me. I eventually stopped contacting her and she never reached out to me so either she was not that interested to begin with or she has plenty of men and could afford to lose me. Either way if she was she would have reached back out.
There is no better way to guage an interest level than to ask a woman out directly. if she doesn't give you an answer, or gives you a no.... then you have your answer right there in front of you. And it's time to move on to the next.
This woman is interested in meeting you. Make it happen.
