Is love worth the pain? Back to Basics

[Did]

Yes I have assessed and I am not sure I want to save our marriage. She would have to change so much and be so much more kind and I just dont see it happening at all. When I talked to her last I mentioned that kindness and gratitude were things that are important to me and she freaked out with anxiety.

Even before we got back in counseling and slept together I was saying I wasnt sure I wanted to continue DBing then I started seeing OW and she came back. Im going to just try to get over her. I gave a timetable of until Feb at therapists recommendation of how long to wait. Thats the max, doubtful it takes that long for us to grow further apart if not go back to mediation in my opinion.

I have been doing work and have more to do for sure. My attachment to her physically is the hardest part maybe I will talk to the MC about that and see her individually since she is a sex therapist and very good... We have talked less the last 5 days or so since... ever. I dont know if its me being anxious but she had mentioned going out with her gf on Wed instead of Fri last night and facetimed to talk to D4 around 4pm. I gave her the phone and walked away but did notice she still had make up on from the night before. I almost just assume she lied about who shes going out with and slept with someone. Idk why I always assume the worst and I know it does matter / is outside my control. But sht still hurts.

I had been feeling grief or heavy sadness emptiness (codepency)... then tonight came the anger... now I guess trying to get towards acceptance and back to enjoying life. Ive done this 3 times stages of grief (BD, she came back after OM1, most recent time after sex / MC). Im not doing it again if we reconnect its not going to be because shes down and needs someone.

Yes, I know theres nothing I can do. She hides from her issues while I want to mention them to the therapist and then say Im done too if you dont address these issues with IC... I dont think shell ever address them. She really thinks being alone and powerful (Idk what that means - powerful - sitting at home with wine and movies or having unhealthy relationships / communication with men?) is whats best for her. She thinks she doesnt need therapy. She has never had healthy communication and I dont think shes ever been part of a healthy family.

Unless she fully commits to IC and me and our marriage I want no part of it. I think thats what Ill say if we talk about it. Im not sure about MC Monday she had said shed go last time we talked about it. Ill go alone and work on detaching from the physical attachment or she can come if she chooses to.

Had a great night with D4, danced, music, fire, smores, got a package of abouit $2000 free lacrosse stuff from a teammate / friend I met during Hawaii trip a month ago. Continuing to work on GAL / trying to find new and reconnect old friendships.

I appreciate the advice and perspective. I will read over your notes again and add pieces to my notes. Thank you and goodnight.