Sandi's Reflections - Part 2

[RR17]

I want to clarify what I mean by doing something from my will, rather than from emotions. People usually have some level of standards by which they conduct their lives. When we are passionate about a right cause, we can dive in with both feet and it's great. That's the easy way. If we don't have the passion but we know it's a right cause, we may still work for it. It's just not as easy without the passion.

Oh, I get it. I think we have all willed ourselves to do that which is right without the passion to drive us. It feels good because it is the right thing but it can often be laborious. Hopefully, the feelings will come. I get it.

When the couple is residing under the same, either as IHS or just sleeping in separate beds, it would be very easy for the WW to try to slide under the bar of H's stipulations of reconciling with her. In other words, she might not want to make a verbal commitment to working on the MR.....much less doing whatever is necessary to save it. From what I have read, the WW is infamous for wanting to tell the H how things will be "if" she decides to reconcile. Some WW's don't want to even give the H a solid answer as to where she stands, and he finds himself playing a guessing game. Rather than plainly coming out with it, she'll say things like, "I'm still here", which should be an unacceptable answer, IMO. If the H has to ask his WW where they currently stand and she gives a response similar to that one......she's not committed. She may want one foot in and one foot out, but she is not committed to doing what she needs to do, coming from the place of betrayal. So, my advice to all the H's is to not consider themselves reconciled or piecing if she won't do better than that.

This is where I am. There are no solid answers because there are no discussions unless I start the dreaded R discussion and even that has been several months. I understand why LBSs shouldn't move out but in a way, Staying makes it easier on the WW/WAW and as you described, lines get blurry. On the other hand, I have seen a definite change in her actions.

I do believe she is trying to show me.
Anyway, I don't think the feelings are all back, so she is still Willing herself. And I have tried to be supportive as you described.

How is she trying to show you? Has she gone completely NC with OM? Is she being transparent? And if she hasn't ended things with OM, then why are you be so supportive? See what I mean? If she hasn't ended her A, then your "support" efforts look more like compromising. I need to catch up on your sitch.

I do not believe there is an OM. I believe that there hasn't been for years. I have snooped and read phone records and computer logs. No signs. W really doesn't have the extra time. Unless she is skipping Monday night bible study for rendezvous, and fabricating discussions to share with me, she really doesn't have any unaccounted for time. I realize anything is possible. I remember years ago when she was lying about NC, it is nothing like that now.

I guess it is an unofficial IHS. W moved out of the MBR about a year ago.
With time and DB she has gradually and continually demonstrated respect and consideration and transparency. And in a very authentic way. I'm convinced from a skeptical viewpoint. Not a sad LBS looking for scraps, kind of way.
Just no affection or intamacy. We dine out just the two of us. We work toward common projects etc. Watch movies, shop. She makes sure I have money, Asks about my day. Remembers what I tell her. It is convincing and genuine.

This is a brief summary of many months of progress. I don't believe I am putting any cart anywhere. I would guess we are exploring piecing but who knows? If you have time to catch up I would much appreciate it,
All my great supporters continually remind me to be patient. I am in Limbo, I have been here for a while. I can continue in limbo. I just wonder if I should if I should be putting my foot down as you have described.