Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[Adam04]

Were you going to work on self improvements and at the end of 7 months, move out. You seem to think her answer was not going to be in favor of the MR at the end of the 7 month time frame. If you currently know you will move out at the end of 7 months, then why would you currently subject yourself to the disrespect she brings to the MR, while planning to leave at the end of 7 months? I was just trying to get a clearer picture of your intent and how you are thinking about all of this.

I mulled over that . In short, I don't know what is going to happen. I know I've been reacting to things. I know I'm still confused. I don't know what she will say at that point. I know I've said it before, I am using this time for me. I should have no expectations, but I do want to be prepared and be mindful of how some things might play out. I don't know in 7 months what either of us is going to say or do. I have this general idea that because she wanted the separation, she's going to experience the separation, I was going to carry it into the future. When 7 months is up, if she wanted to R, if she said lets D, or whatever she says, I was going thru with the separation because it was the natural course of things. The conversation would be similar to I'm sorry but in this last 7 months of watching our dynamics and soul searching, I've been getting used to the separation(not having her support, not having her around, not having her to talk to), I know I deserve (better)someone who is willing to put in the work for our M, someone I can trust, someone who won't cheat on me or compromise the M , and because she wanted it, she got it. That would be honest, and is the direction I want to go in. It doesn't give me any kudo points for standing up to her before that but I shouldn't care about her thoughts to begin with should I?

I was biding my time. I would have hoped to detach enough so that the wave of emotions all coming back doesn't drown me.

(I know you responded to me on what I should be doing in the 7 months after this, and everything is through the lens of respect, however I'll talk more below)

If you currently know you will move out at the end of 7 months, then why would you currently subject yourself to the disrespect she brings to the MR, while planning to leave at the end of 7 months?

As for the disrespect she brings to MR. I feel like it'll still be present now or if we separated. I think in any case, the disrespect is there so I can't use that as some type of driving force. After all, aren't my actions for me, and not based on if I think x,y,z is going to gain me more respect from her? Wouldn't that sort of thinking be expectations? I remember no expectations, no looking over my shoulder, no wondering if she will ever notice .


If she disrespects me in her own ways, as you've pointed out before, as her H I should be aware of when she does this, then I would have to let her know how I feel about it. If she crosses that, I am going to challenge her every time. Protecting myself right? Small boundary?



Sandi, you made a comment on IHS affecting LBS because it lowers their self-esteem with a lot of other negative feelings. I think because my W has not gone full blown all out with the exposure, I am not dealing with what a lot of other people are dealing with. I think I may be feeling somewhat sheltered from not knowing the truth. Don't get me wrong, my mind could be racing and thinking of that 100man GangB$%$, but it's all the same. I used to date troubled girls who had a "history" alrdy in their teens(and I hated people who judged them) so it would unreasonable for me to hold this woman to some different standard. Old wife, new wife, whatever.. Part of me thinks because she never went crazy in her youth, that she is getting a taste of that now and she likes it. I can understand that and its a shame, Not saying I condone doing that and breaking up a family, but I can understand what other individuals go through. It's like with the weight gain. When I was fit, I had a brother who could never lose the weight. He'll get depressed and eat and eat and eat. I was not nice and I think about those things from when I was younger. Sometimes we have to be in their shoes, its not always easy. Hope she will figure it out with a little tough love.

Dealing with the IHS and when it comes to my self-respect....this is how i see it, I've wondered about my sitch and ask myself if I "need" to know for certain, I could be doing one more thing, one more snooping here, hiring a PI, grabbing her phone, calling the phone# she texted, I could be but for what if I alrdy know enough. I hope this is enough self-respect to get me through where I can stand for the M. When I see myself wanting to stand for the MR, and not continue to stoop to certain levels, I feel like I'm good. I won't let her actions define me. I won't let other people's actions and words define me. Just getting into this standing, I see a lot of ppl going are you CRAZY?! I will remember to trust nothing she says, I wont allow her to trigger me or bait me.

You don't have to go completely dark in order to apply the LRT. How do you see implementing the last resort?

I've read people's posts on how they interact with their S. Let me say, I am trying the LRT. Our contact is bare minimum and there is hardly any talking, NO conversations. We have the board for the kids, we don't go out to eat anymore, we do have some lunch or dinners with the kids but we don't chit chat. We don't sit on the couch and do anything like a family besides eat at home. I help with the kids home work, help the little one with the bath and when its lights out, that's it. The only thing coming up for the family this weekend is to pick up our glasses. Other than that, I plan to be out. We don't argue, we don't laugh. She may say you have mail, then I'd say okay. No texts or calls. no emails. I transfer her money and she pays the bills. I'm not angry, i don't carry an attitude, I'm polite.

In my head I'm thinking let me catch her saying something crazy, I'd check it, then move on. That is how I want to spend the rest of these 7 months, less and less time with her. The more she would act crazy, the more opportunities I would have. I don't know how else to be. Emotionally I'm fine for the most part. Sometimes I get emotional when I read other people's sitch and think about mine but then again, when its me and my thoughts of her, block it block it block it block it is what I tell myself. Draw my son's picture, Think happy thoughts. Then things go away. I don't know if this is a mechanism or not. I don't think the worst is over yet. I hope to be strong enough to deal with whatever is to come.

I deal with things in black and white, I will admit, I sometimes need things written down as if an expert would say if I were in your shoes, this is what I'd do.

Also, I make sure not to regurgitate -anything- I've learned to the W. The last conversation I had with her was me trying to tell her I knew something was going on, and I knew alrdy during the convo that it wasn't going anywhere, it served no purpose. Won't happen again. It feels funny to learn something and want to run to the other person and want to share it as if I had come up with this new idea. I put it this way, it aint hard to google for help so if they aren't googling it, they definitely don't want the help. I get it that we only wished they would feel what we do, or see what we see , or admit they were wrong. It aint happening. When I was angry within the first two months, I don't know why I didn't kick her out then, but I shared with her two things, one was a Jehovah Witness pamphlet I thought was a sign. When she left to pick up breakfast one day and the people just miraculously showed up at my door. I said oh wow, a sign from God. I must show her it says thou must obey "insert me here"... NOPE. She probably said something like WTF is this SH1t you want me to read. So the last thing I asked her to read was a story about a man who divorced his wife and were at least amicable to spend time together for their children, to share a lunch or dinner. I told her maybe one day we could get to that point then.