Introduction

[TJT]

People (and women in particular) have a way of painting a super rosy picture on social media even when they are falling apart IRL.

Well, my life is falling apart and I'm definitely not painting a rosy picture on SM, haha. I have not really been on it at all, for the very reason that I don't want to be "fake" and it's obviously not necessarily the best time or place to let people know what IS going on, the way I'd like to at least.

On the other hand, my H is painting a rosy picture not even on SM, but in real life, to everyone he encounters. He is happy and this doesn't seem to affect him. He said he's happier around everyone but me, and I know I'm not THAT terrible even if I have my moments. It's absolutely him compartmentalizing what's really going on within himself.

So, I think the statement is more appropriate for anyone who has done something they're not proud of in general. People who are guilty and in denial of the things they really need to face and own up to or just generally address. It's a coping mechanism, so still validates what you've said about not using it as an effective gauge of true feelings.

First and foremost, I absolutely abhor SM. It think SM is a big part of the reason why our culture has just gone down the sh!tter. I think SM is good for businesses and that's about it. I think personal SM has been eroding society, and adding to the whole me first instant gratification of our society/culture.

Agree!

Anyway, your H is probably feeling great because he is shedding off what he sees as his problems. However we can't run from problems because they always catch up. I don't think you are terrible, he just hasn't had enough time to feel any regret or remorse, and if he does you may never know. Men compartmentalize. I do it all the time, its how I am wired. He may be feeling guilty and overcompensating. Why else would he be happier around everyone, but you? He likely feels guilty for what he is doing to you.

Okay for some stupid reason I've never put two and two together on your last sentence until you just said it. I mean I know he was acting in certain ways out of guilt, but I didn't match the guilt with him saying he was happier around other people. I was convinced I really was incapable of making him happy truly because of who I am, even though I knew that also didn't make full sense. So yeah, thank you for that point.

The important thing is to figure out what you did wrong on your side of the fence and make corrective actions to better yourself. Be the better you.

I've always been big on self-improvement and not afraid to face my flaws. I truly tried to make changes as it relates to me in my M to the best of my ability, given the lack of communication....and as I've gone back in my sitch I've started to give myself a lot more credit for that. But that's just to say that I've realized my biggest flaw wasn't necessarily related to the specific things I needed to work on for our M, but rather not realizing that there was something wrong with the fact that I was doing those things and not getting any response from it...

My H had always, always been the quiet type, so it was a little harder to tell when he apparently started to check out. So I know in the future, I need to trust my gut a little more and recognize these things in a partner and not be afraid to raise more of a concern, because any partner who really wants to work on it with me won't just push me away or make me feel bad about asking or checking in or whatever it is.

Even when we first got married, I had suggested doing even general couple "class" things like we did for our premarital session as a refresher to keep our relationship tools sharp. He always refused, I can't even remember why, despite saying before M he actually kind of liked the premarital thing we did.

Even on our FIRST anniversary we were supposed to do a letter exchange thing and then write a new one for the next year. We read the first one but he never seemed interested in putting a new one in. I think he said something like we could just collect the other notes we write each other throughout the year in there. And since he did in fact write me other short love notes ALL the time I just rationalized that the whole "tradition" thing of the letter writing just wasn't his cup of tea, and who was I to make that a big deal? Turns out that was the wrong question...who was HE to not realize how much it meant to me when I asked if he would do it!

These are the examples that really help me with perspective when I think back, because there are other things similar to this where the "thing" itself may have been small, but it meant a lot to me and he just never did it. Like the whole never calling me when I was traveling for work. Again, I just rationalized it because in all seriousness, I rarely saw him call anyone. He definitely preferred texting. But that doesn't make it any less important that I wanted him to call me and asked if he would multiple times, and yet that wasn't important enough for him to act on. Well, except the one time I described previously where it happened, and I told him how much it made my day, and then it never happened again...*shrug*

Telling that story again and knowing what I know now, maybe the only reason he called that one time was because he had done something "bad" while I was gone and it was really to make himself feel better, hah. Or maybe that was an honest effort by him that he just couldn't bring himself to be consistent with. I'll never know. And I'm proud to say that I've gotten better about being "ok" with not knowing because of how I've started to recognize the things that are truly mine to own and the things that are not. I still doubt myself sometimes but the more time that passes, the more it sinks in how not healthy the behavior was, and I definitely only want to proceed with something that is productive and healthy.