Her mom hit her as a kid she was taught be seen but not heard. Her mom left her dad in the middle of the night. She has post partum. She got an abortion. She got in a drunk driving accident. She has been in unhealthy relationships. She struggles with talking about this stuff at all.
We all have checkered pasts and skeletons in our closets. Do you want to rattle the bones, or do you want to show her loving support? Because one will make you ugly and the other will make you attractive.
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Well said. On top of that, Did reread what AS quoted for you here. Notice the one common denominator in all of that? HER.
Sometimes people need to realize that if everyone else is the problem, then maybe the real problem is them. Granted some of that stuff is out of her control. Her mom hit her (I got spanked a lot as a kid by the way!). Or her mom leaving. But have you ever stepped back and honestly assessed what you are trying to save. Some people are so damaged that there is no getting through to them.
Also, it sounds to me like you were drawn to her to rescue her. Lots of men are rescuers. There is one thing about rescuing someone....they have to want to be rescued. Life-guards have drown before trying to rescue people that "didn't want to be rescued", usually because they were too panicked to realize they were being rescued. You tried to rescue her. She was open to that once, but now no longer wants to be rescued. Your only alternative is to let her go.
You remind me of a friend of mine. When my W had her first EA in 2005 I meet a guy that was going through something similar. His W after having a child (I think their second) escaped into a world of online gaming. She caught the attention of another guy on the game, and an EA started. My friend was very impulsive and COULD NOT give her the time and space she so was begging for. We'd talk and I'd tell him to not confront her when their oldest would say that mommy was on the computer all day long. We'll call him Matt. I'd tell him "Matt, you know confronting her in the past has not gone well, don't do it. Just ignore it." The next day he'd tell me how he confronted her, how they had a huge fight, and that she was talking separation again. Matt's problem? He couldn't learn that when you touch a hot stove, you get burned. No matter how many times he got burned by touching the hot stove.
Matt and his W ended up D'd. He met another woman married her, and had kids. Matt didn't do the work he should have done (GAL, 180s, detachment (self-differentiation). And last time I talked to him his 2nd W was wanting a D.
Did, you have the chance to learn from all of this....no matter what your W ultimately decides. For your own sake and the sake of the next W in your life, DO THE WORK.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
