Thank you One, Blu and Neff. I actually write and sound way more positive than I really feel. I am just trying to incorporate positivity in my speech, my writing and as much as possible in thoughts as part of my healing process. But I am still a mess a lot of times. I was tearing up reading your words of encouragement, that is how fragile I am sometimes. If someone shows me any affection I seem to get emotional, I know this is a sign of emotional vulnerability but eventually I will get to a place where I find myself again. I still really miss my old H, our lovely R, the family we had and my best friend. I still really want him back. But the man that is here today is not that same person, he has metamorphosized into something alien that I have no link to. He not only betrayed me while I was pregnant and just had a baby, but the cruelty shown there after was beyond what any sane human would do to another being. I tolerated so much thinking I am doing it for the sake of my daughters. I havent elaborated all the events in the last few months but he has troubled me in every possible way legally, emotionally, financially. I have accepted it must be a karmic relationship, I am paying back for something I must have really wronged him for previously. I am a techie by profession but I have leaned so much into the metaphysical realm for support to make any sense of my life at this phase. While my future life is uncertain, I know I will survive and find my path. For my own sanity I need him as far away from me as possible. Unlike a lot of other WAS here, he has been relentless with D, dragged me to a mediation 2 months post BD and when that fell through filed in court. The truth is any man out there will treat me so much better than WH and I have so much to offer that I deserve the best. I am not willing to be someone's fall back option. I have gained so much from this forum, the support and love here is unconditional. If not for this place I would have taken so much longer to get to the mental state I am in today. While it still feels like the biggest tragedy of my life, I am ok with D. If he wants back he needs to prove his worth.
