WW has been acting SUPER friendly to me, since we closed down the final attachment strings (house going for sale and financials being separated). She asks me a lot of questions, smiles, tries to engage in conversation, cooks, and wants to make my meals.
This is a very common reaction, when everything appears to be going like the WW wants. Suddenly, the pressure is off her and she wants to play buddy-buddy with the H she has rejected. Glad you aren't fooled,
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I have been setting up a bucket list of european capitals that I want to visit over the next years, and I am exited about going. I also have been looking for a new job, because I believe this is a "reboot" of my life, and that I really need it to be a total reboot.
Fantastic!
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Her phone is on the table counter with an open display, so I can't but notice when im in the kitchen, and it lights up with texts and snapchats from this man, and it does often - I shouldn't care, but I do (still, im faking it till I make it - or at least till im out of this house).
Well you still don't like feeling disrespected in your own home! I think if I were in your shoes, I would look at her thoroughly disgusted and leave the room. She doesn't have enough sense to even treat you with as much kindness or respect than she would show a total stranger. I'm so sorry, b/c it must hurt deeper than anything you've experienced.
You love the girl you first married. If you had seen this side of her before the wedding, plans may have been altered. But anyway, when her fantasy world comes crashing down around her......you'll be off living your life to the fullest. She'll probably try to play on your feelings as long as she feels she gets something selfish out of the deal. Just keep your eyes opened and don't let her catch you unaware of her manipulative behavior.
((hugs)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for all the advice and well wishing, here is what has happened:
I know, that WW is not the person as of know, that I share a lot of great memories with, whom has my best interest in her heart - I know she is only doing things for herself, and not to hurt me, she frankly just doesn't care right now.
She is infatuated with this OM in such a state, that for now, she is OK with being a booty call that comes to his house ONLY when his kids are not there (so 7 days straight she can't go there). Wwhen they started out, she would go there all the time, but when he had the kids, she would wait till they were asleep. She is OK with the fact that he only responds to her texts when his kids are sleeping, and is not contactable throughout the day. She is okay with the fact that he is [censored] scared of putting a label on them, and won't talk about being her boyfriend at all, because that implies introducing the kids to her and his family. She thinks that he will come around if she just plays the role as field mattress and doesn't push him - Knowing all of this, I can say, that the person I fell in love with, is not the person I am living with right now. I hope she is in there somewhere, but this journey, is one she has to do on her own. I can't push, pull or tell her that she is doing wrong. I think she will crash and burn in this fantasy based on the information above, and I know, that when her world burns down, she will realize, that throughout all this, I was kind, respectful, and didn't stand in her way. I have released my anger onto her yes, but only on as many occasions as you can count on one hand. I think that is reasonable to fail to that extend when you think of the way I have been treated.
I will keep hope of future R, but I told her yesterday, that I don't believe her words, and that her and I are a done deal, because I have said all there is to say, and I feel empty. I also told her, that she does what she does, and she lives by those choices - I won't stand in here way.
She said that I ment so incredible much to her, and that she hurt me by trying to not hurt my feelings (being dishonest about things) - I said those words where empty, and that she didn't even know my feelings, so how could she possible hurt them.
From now on, I will just 180 on what I know I can improve on. I will make a great future for my kids, me, and whoever my companion will be, WW or not. I am already GAL a lot, and every day gets a little easier.
I am faking it, yes, but little less every day. <-- How do I know that? because I still hope that she turns around and comes back... Which means I have a lot of detachement to do. However, it will not be through her words (which I don't trust, and she knows that I don't, but through continuous actions, that she will show me, if that day comes).
I will be the husband only a fool will walk out on, for the rest of our time in the house. Not engage in her small talk, but be confident, happy with my self, content, be there for the kids, do my part of the house choirs, and then when she sits in her apartment, all alone because OM didn't want her in the end - then she will realize, that she is in fact the fool.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
First you are doing way too much talking which turns out are lies anyway. You tell her you guys are a done deal but in the next breath you are hoping for recon. Don't you think she can see right through it. No more talking!
Second you know way too much about their relationship and are trying to you use logic and reason to indicate there relationship won't last. Why do you think she wants him? Because she can't have her way with him.
The disrespect she has shown you is about as bad as I have seen on this board. If you don't change that she will go through 10 other males before she turns around and takes another look. Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don't allow them to.
I am well aware of the fact that what I say, is not what I feel... thats what I meant by fake it till you make it.. I guess I am hoping shat she won't see through it - but I know you are right, when you say she does.
I will do more talking... I guess you mean, I need to show her, that I am having my own life from here on out, and then to actually be true to myself and live that life, day by day - and in time it will get easier. I will make my self unaccessible in a way I haven't up till this point. I guess, she hasn't really felt like I am not a part of her life yet, because, well I have been there, waiting for scraps... pathetic as it is. Basically, I am going to (and I mean really try to at first), but to ignore whatever she does with OM, but I will enforce the boundary I set down that says, I won't have anything to do with it (don't speak of him and you in front of me). Other than that, I will ignore her when she goes out on the weekends to sleep at his place, and just try and create fun things for me and the kids. Tomorrow she will be leaving to go and sleep at his place, however I already made a playdate for my kids for saturday, so I have that to look forward to, which is quite nice actually.
She wants to smalltalk, she wants me to be at home on the 23rd of december, when she is celebrating christmas with her family and the kids, so that D4 don't ask why I am not there (it was not for her sake, that she wanted me there, she said that explicitly) <-- I guess its a given that I don't attend? I feel like its disrespect and cake eating, but I am having SUCH a hard time juggling it, when it comes to time not spend with my children.
She also wants to celebrate New Years eve with 3 couples we usually celebrate with and their kids. If I don't attend, I won't be celebrating New Years eve with my kids, however, if I do, I enable her disrespect right? I know these questions seems like no brainers, but I am really struggeling, so I am asking anyways.
I feel like, when my kids are home, we can smalltalk (she can talk and I can answer her questions), but then, I really make myself scarce (go to MBR and relax at night), or GAL when I have the opportunity, is this what I am supposed to do? I am working on a lot of 180s that I reflected on, and decided that there were things I could really change for the better.
Basically to cook it up - I am having a tough time navigating on how the be around a person who treats me like this, how much to interact - if it was just me and her, I would have left in a heartbeat, but I have to REALLY small children, who needs to see mom and dad interacting positive. At least that is what I feel like we should?
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
-you are spinning and rightly so...give yourself constant grace to accept that and find a way to calm, balance yourself.
-the best comment I ever got on here in dealing with my sitch was and I'm paraphrasing a bit "walk a straight line in the opposite direction". it is unrealistic to believe you can fully process nor drop your feelings for her like turning off a light, but given her complete and utter disrespect for you, you must continue to do your best to do exactly that.
-you don't try to SHOW her anything...you do you and your children and let her deal with her.
-you do need to set boundaries and STICK TO THEM. if she brings up OM, leave the room. you DO NOT accept that crap. small talk of children, stuff like that I'd say short responses. definitely understand you wanted to keep up appearances for your children, but she has sown this disrespect and will need to reap it's consequences.
-no way I go to that New Year's Eve party. If folks ask, let her figure out what to say. no way other to say it, based on her decisions you will miss holidays with your children. it is a terribly sad fact, but you must begin to come to terms with that. trust me ALL of us here have experienced it.
-again BE EASY ON YOURSELF!! This is way early days for you and rightly so you are taking a ton of shots from all of this. you do what is best for YOU and YOUR children! keep posting here buddy...we are here to support you.
I will do more talking... I guess you mean, I need to show her, that I am having my own life from here on out, and then to actually be true to myself and live that life, day by day - and in time it will get easier.
Yes you need to SHOW her and believe me it will get easier in time.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
I will make my self inaccessible in a way I haven't up till this point. I guess, she hasn't really felt like I am not a part of her life yet, because, well I have been there, waiting for scraps... pathetic as it is. Basically, I am going to (and I mean really try to at first), but to ignore whatever she does with OM, but I will enforce the boundary I set down that says, I won't have anything to do with it (don't speak of him and you in front of me).
It is great that you recognize this but as Master Yoda says "do or do not, there is no try" What are the consequences of crossing your boundaries.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
She wants to small talk, she wants me to be at home on the 23rd of December, when she is celebrating Christmas with her family and the kids, so that D4 don't ask why I am not there (it was not for her sake, that she wanted me there, she said that explicitly) <-- I guess its a given that I don't attend? I feel like its disrespect and cake eating, but I am having SUCH a hard time juggling it, when it comes to time not spend with my children.
No more small talk unless about the kids. Absolutely it is a given you do not attend! I am sure your STBX can come up with a reasonable answer to your daughter why you are not there. You are Bull$hitting yourself. Your children are young you will have plenty of time to spend with them in the future.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
She also wants to celebrate New Years eve with 3 couples we usually celebrate with and their kids. If I don't attend, I won't be celebrating New Years eve with my kids, however, if I do, I enable her disrespect right? I know these questions seems like no brainers, but I am really struggling, so I am asking anyways.
No fuching way. Again plenty of New Year celebrations in the future.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
I feel like, when my kids are home, we can small talk (she can talk and I can answer her questions), but then, I really make myself scarce (go to MBR and relax at night), or GAL when I have the opportunity, is this what I am supposed to do? I am working on a lot of 180s that I reflected on, and decided that there were things I could really change for the better.
Other then the dinner table you should never be around her. Play with the kids, go for a walk, GAL when she's home, read in your room. There is absolutely no need for small talk unless it's about the kids.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
Basically to cook it up - I am having a tough time navigating on how the be around a person who treats me like this, how much to interact - if it was just me and her, I would have left in a heartbeat, but I have to REALLY small children, who needs to see mom and dad interacting positive. At least that is what I feel like we should?
Let me ask you a question. What if your best friend treated you the way she is treating you? Would he still be your friend? Would you still want to have small talk with him? I wish you could throw out what you think your suppose to do and what's gonna push her further away and just act how you really want to act.
Hurt, you are getting a lot of good advice. I will say that attending the holiday events may not be a terrible idea. Remember, the less people that know about your sitch, the easier it will be for her if she ever decides to come back to the MR. And less resistance she feels to that the easier it will be for her to make up her mind to try to R with you. But I think if you follow the advice above that will also be very beneficial to you. Remember, you are dealing with a very selfish creature here. Make sure you are protecting yourself. Certainly do not be at her beckon call (IE GAL).
There will be plenty of time later to put your foot down on that kind of stuff though so if you do attend the events it isn't like you are going backwards.
Small talk: Listen and validate. That's it. Do not initiate the small talk yourself.
Listen to LH on the spending time. She wants time and space...give it to her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you all so much! I am really thankful for your advice on how I should behave, and what my focus should be.
LH, I will try and really adapt to being around her only when it is kids related such as dinner time. Then try and do things without her when the kids are home. I will retreat so to speak, and give her the time and space that she so desperately craves.
I will not be attending the New Years Eve party nor the christmas party <-- I just need Steve to back this up, with the information im providing now.
She has basically not done very much to keep this a secret. At least was far as I know of. She has told her close friends, her colleagues at work nows it, her family is informed, and the people we are supposed to celebrate new years eve with, are also informed that we have gone our separate ways (of course they only know she is dating another man, however everything has happened in agreement between her and I according to the story she has put out).
So basically keeping it secret in order to smoothen R in the future: I think she is basically trying to speed things along with OM so fast, and informing her friends and family is part of that according to her own beliefs. I am not really making a difference in that "game" anymore, since she has been open about how lucky he and him are. Well that was before she was demoted to bootycall. long story short - the cat is out of the bag mostly anywhere.
So gameplan (If i understand correctly):
1. Don't do anything social out of the house with her anymore (she doesn't get that luxury / she has given up that opportunity).
2. Only answer polite and in short sentences when she initiates conversation about the kids / ignore conversation related to anything else (except financial / custody stuff). <--- I don't know, LH you say NOT to talk at all, and Steve says to (if I understand right), listen to all smalltalk and validate?? So what exactly do I do
3. Stay out of her way. If she is in the house, kids are sleeping and im in the house, then I go somewhere for my self.
4. I will enforce my boundary about OM talk by simply leaving the room if she begins.
5. I will let her leave (house is for sale, financials are basically taken care of) - I have said my peace - and I am not gonna stand in her way.
6. GAL a lot, 180 on my known problems and heal through detachment
Does that sound about right?
My birthday is coming up next week: I am saying today, that I would appreciate it, if she doesn't buy a present for me, and I would really appreciate it, if she would refrain from buying a present for Christmas as well, as I don't want anything from her. Is that a bad idea? I am just going to say, that I will appreciate some drawings from the children, and thats it. Furthermore, I would like it, if she could go and be somewhere else on my birthday, as I am taking the day off, and just really want a fun and happy day with the kids, and she will ruin it. <--- Advice please
Last edited by Hurt213; 11/29/1802:14 PM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
1. Don't do anything social out of the house with her anymore (she doesn't get that luxury / she has given up that opportunity).
Correct!
Originally Posted by Hurt213
2. Only answer polite and in short sentences when she initiates conversation about the kids / ignore conversation related to anything else (except financial / custody stuff). <--- I don't know, LH you say NOT to talk at all, and Steve says to (if I understand right), listen to all smalltalk and validate?? So what exactly do I do
I meant to say don't initiate small talk and don't linger around for small talk. "Sorry can't talk gotta run"
Originally Posted by Hurt213
3. Stay out of her way. If she is in the house, kids are sleeping and im in the house, then I go somewhere for my self.
Absolutely!
Originally Posted by Hurt213
4. I will enforce my boundary about OM talk by simply leaving the room if she begins.
Correct! I would say a firm "Please do not disrespect me like that" walkaway
Originally Posted by Hurt213
5. I will let her leave (house is for sale, financials are basically taken care of) - I have said my peace - and I am not gonna stand in her way.
Yep
Originally Posted by Hurt213
6. GAL a lot, 180 on my known problems and heal through detachment
Abso fuching lutley!
Originally Posted by Hurt213
My birthday is coming up next week: I am saying today, that I would appreciate it, if she doesn't buy a present for me, and I would really appreciate it, if she would refrain from buying a present for Christmas as well, as I don't want anything from her. Is that a bad idea?
Bad idea! Your'e trying to get a reaction. No talking!!!!!!!!!!!! If it's from the kids open it and thank her. From her I would say no thank you.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
I am just going to say, that I will appreciate some drawings from the children, and thats it. Furthermore, I would like it, if she could go and be somewhere else on my birthday, as I am taking the day off, and just really want a fun and happy day with the kids, and she will ruin it.
Fantastic!
