13 yrs and two kids pt. 2.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

Thank you for all the advice and well wishing, here is what has happened:

I know, that WW is not the person as of know, that I share a lot of great memories with, whom has my best interest in her heart - I know she is only doing things for herself, and not to hurt me, she frankly just doesn't care right now.

She is infatuated with this OM in such a state, that for now, she is OK with being a booty call that comes to his house ONLY when his kids are not there (so 7 days straight she can't go there). Wwhen they started out, she would go there all the time, but when he had the kids, she would wait till they were asleep. She is OK with the fact that he only responds to her texts when his kids are sleeping, and is not contactable throughout the day. She is okay with the fact that he is [censored] scared of putting a label on them, and won't talk about being her boyfriend at all, because that implies introducing the kids to her and his family. She thinks that he will come around if she just plays the role as field mattress and doesn't push him - Knowing all of this, I can say, that the person I fell in love with, is not the person I am living with right now. I hope she is in there somewhere, but this journey, is one she has to do on her own. I can't push, pull or tell her that she is doing wrong. I think she will crash and burn in this fantasy based on the information above, and I know, that when her world burns down, she will realize, that throughout all this, I was kind, respectful, and didn't stand in her way. I have released my anger onto her yes, but only on as many occasions as you can count on one hand. I think that is reasonable to fail to that extend when you think of the way I have been treated.

I will keep hope of future R, but I told her yesterday, that I don't believe her words, and that her and I are a done deal, because I have said all there is to say, and I feel empty. I also told her, that she does what she does, and she lives by those choices - I won't stand in here way.

She said that I ment so incredible much to her, and that she hurt me by trying to not hurt my feelings (being dishonest about things) - I said those words where empty, and that she didn't even know my feelings, so how could she possible hurt them.

From now on, I will just 180 on what I know I can improve on. I will make a great future for my kids, me, and whoever my companion will be, WW or not. I am already GAL a lot, and every day gets a little easier.

I am faking it, yes, but little less every day. <-- How do I know that? because I still hope that she turns around and comes back... Which means I have a lot of detachement to do. However, it will not be through her words (which I don't trust, and she knows that I don't, but through continuous actions, that she will show me, if that day comes).

I will be the husband only a fool will walk out on, for the rest of our time in the house. Not engage in her small talk, but be confident, happy with my self, content, be there for the kids, do my part of the house choirs, and then when she sits in her apartment, all alone because OM didn't want her in the end - then she will realize, that she is in fact the fool.