You are lifting the veil of denial. This takes time and will bring many new feelings.
Once the shock of BD wears off, denial settles in. It is insidious and runs deep. It is necessary and good in that it protects your very psyche from too much damage. When your mind is faced with something it just can’t handle, it will ignore it - deny it exists.
This is not conscious ignoring - what you may think denial is. No, it is the unknown refusal of facts or reality. It is unknown to you. This is all perfectly normal and very expected - do not freak out.
A lot of revelations will be revealed. You will feel all kinds of things. As your mind slowly uncovers “new” things your feelings will react. There will be pain, sorrow, guilt, remorse, happy, giddy, elated. It is quite a ride. As I said - breathe and be gentle on yourself. You need time.
This is where accurately looking at your situation is very helpful. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Being accurate in word, thought, feeling will allow a smoother transition, especially from denial.
Have you read my bit on feelings, thoughts, and beliefs? Well a quick recap.
Feelings spring forth from our subconscious. They are quick to initiate and quick to extinguish. An example, someone could probably say something that would make you mad, instantly. That feeling sprung to life just like that. Now usually within half an hour most feelings subside and disappear, when the cause of the feeling is removed. Recognize this within yourself.
Feelings are fleeting. They do not last. When jacked up on feelings, one is emotional highjacked. Emotions and reason do not mix. Recoginize the cause, remove yourself from it, give yourself that 30 minutes to calm down. Don’t “do” anything during this time, you’re emotional and will probably not make the best decisions. Emotions are reactionary, if you follow them you will just react.
Thoughts follow feelings almost immediately. The above example where someone makes you mad, your thoughts will follow to justify your feelings. Imagine I said something mean (I know, that’s a tall order). You get mad. Then something like “That DnJ, what an a$$, he just called me out for no reason, that sob, etc....” lol. You get the idea.
Again recognize the errant thoughts. I can see a lot in your previous post. I KNOW he is not coming back - and so on are some examples.
The big step is getting in touch with your beliefs. These are your core values, your defining beliefs. They are slow to change and not easily swayed. Follow these.
When you are calm your thoughts will reflect your beliefs. This is when you want to make decisions.
Some advice you may have seen. Respond, instead of react. Give yourself 24 hours to respond to things (48 is even better). If you reply to something quickly or worse immediately you are probably emotional. Allowing time to calm down will help make a response based on reason and beliefs rather than emotions.
A final bit on this (for now).
Beliefs will be reflected in your thoughts. Your feeling will be reflected from your thoughts and beliefs.
Conversely, thoughts will follow your feelings. Your beliefs, in time, will follow your thoughts and feelings. Your beliefs can and do change, it is slow, but it does happen. If you continually allow less desirable thoughts and feelings to be reenforced your beliefs will slowly be altered.
You are going to feel a lot of stuff.
Your feelings are real and true. Acknowledge them.
Feelings are fleeting. Do not dwell on them, it only reenforces them. Let them go.
Your thoughts will follow. There will be all kinds of thoughts and justifications. Remain calm, find your beliefs. Those errant thoughts will follow the feelings and extinguish as well. Do not reenforce these either.
Trust your beliefs.
Trust your compassion.
Create thoughts on these beliefs. Good feelings will follow and proper thoughts and beliefs will be reenforced.
Be gentle on yourself.
Breathe.
(((DejaVu6)))
I feel, think, and believe I have given you enough for now. Better let it settle a bit.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
