Wow... I do not know what is going on with me. Last night I felt really good and today have just been getting progressively down. Got home and my MIL started in on how much homework the kids have and then all of a sudden, I’m in tears and I tell her I just need a little bit of time to myself in my room. So now I’m hiding out waiting until I don’t look like I’ve been crying so my kids won’t be upset.
I so want to be done with this. Intellectually... I know... I need to move on, drop the rope, forget about my marriage and all of my regrets and my what ifs. I KNOW my H is too far gone. I KNOW he is not coming back and that even if he wanted to, he does not have the strength of character to actually do the work required. So why am I grieving someone like that??? He hasn’t been there for me since our kids were about three years old, truth be told. He was a terrible husband for about the last six years - self focused and resentful of any demands on him that were not self-generated. He ignored me and did everything he could to spend as little time with me as possible. I look back on it and wonder why I didn’t address it? Why didn’t I ask for more? Why did I just accept it? Did I really think he was in nightly medical treatment for all that time? The intellectual side of me most certainly did not but my emotional side wanted so badly to believe that what I was experiencing was not about my H and his commitment to our marriage and to me but due to some medical issue outside of our control. Seriously...what is wrong with me? I think I really need some 2x4’s right now.
