Pain, I'm with Ovr. And what I'm about to say, I've been debating whether to hit "Post Reply." So, here goes.
I've been watching you since I got here. I know you're angry right now, and probably feeling like you need to defend your actions. Let me tell you the pattern I've noticed in you. First, you get a whole bunch of input. You implement some new strategies. You start feeling good about your progress, and everyone congratulates you. That makes you feel good about yourself. Then your W does something and you go into a tail spin. Suddenly nothing at all is working and it's all the worst thing ever, and you feel a need to take drastic action. But it's never your fault. Then, usually about a month later, you're feeling better again and we're all a happy family.
Meanwhile your W eats the cake that you're spoon-feeding her. From where I'm standing, it looks like W is doing whatever she feels like, and you're dancing around her doing everything you can to avoid having to do the harder work.
Your posts just scream "please approve of me." Ask yourself: why do you need the approval of a bunch of strangers on the internet?
Why do I notice these things? Because I do them too.
Teach your D4 that strong people don't let other people use them and disrespect them like that. Teach her that strong people back up their strong words with strong actions. Teach her what it looks like to do the RIGHT thing, not just what other people tell you is right.
I do see where you are coming from and I would have to agree. About the cycling between making progress then W does something and I crash then pick myself up and go through this process again. But I do not realize that until someone points it out to me.
My NGS? I never realized that I had it until it was pointed out to me. My W cake-eating? I never realized that I was doing it until it was pointed out to me. My need to get better? Again, I never realized how much I needed to improve until it was pointed out to me.
I ask for approval, because I really do not know how well I am doing. I tell myself I am doing well, then someone points out to me that I am not doing things correctly at all. So I take the criticism (and as evidenced before and even now, begrudgingly and angrily) and use it to better myself. And if I am wrong for reacting that way, I admit it as much. The best example of changing my behavior was my 90 day review. I thought I was doing pretty good until it was pointed out to me that I definitely was not. It was a cold splash of water and gave me the realization that I have a lot of work to do. So I took it, rolled up my sleeves and started working on being the best employee I can be. I have my annual review in two weeks. I feel like I have made a lot of improvements. But I want to make sure that I am meeting their criteria for being a "good employee". I have lost jobs because of my poor performance and realizing it after it was too late. I don't want that.
I do my best not to go into denial because I know that what people are saying to me is likely true because they themselves have gone through one form of it or another, like you burned. But I also feel the need to defend myself because I perceive it as a slight or an attack, when in reality, it's not. That's a behavior that I am trying to work on as well and the only way I can work on it is if someone sees it and calls me out on it. One such example was a couple of months ago when I told you all that I told W about my weight loss and AS told me that I was pursuing when I thought it was a good thing and the response I got from her was genuine. Looking back, it was not. It was her just placating me. I was just too fogged up back then to realize. It was not until I saw the emails that I saw the extent of her actions and I truly saw W for what she is. It's been 39 days since that revelation. And I started to truly work on my detachment. It's safe to assume that I am still in the fog. I am not out, but I am trying my best to come out of it.
When people like you or ovr tell me things like I am hanging on to her every word and have her cake-eat, I do get angry, mostly because I thought I was doing better than I thought I was and come to realize that no...I am still a long ways off and still making a ton of mistakes. I try to take responsibility for my actions but it appears that I still shift the blame towards external sources and factors (W, her friends). I do not see how it's my behavior until someone (you all) point it out to me. I thought that my keeping my responses short and businesslike I am doing the right thing. I thought that by telling her things like "It's none of my business" and the conversation afterward, I feel like I was doing the right thing. I really feel that I am not showing any sympathy. And it shows to folks here that I still have work to do.
And I do want to work it out. But I want to do it right. Because I am feeling those changes based off of the feedback given by you all. I am starting to turn it around. Slowly, but it's happening. And I'm slowly trying to let go and detach. Again...slowly, but it's happening. I don't think I would have made such strides if it were not for folks chiming in and providing criticisms, praise, and reinforcement. I really don't.
You folks are not strangers on the Internet to me...you're my support group. You're my inspiration to make those needed changes for myself. If you can be a happier you, why can't I use what you have done to be a better me?
I am not going to promise that I will stop being so defensive and hurt when I get hit with a 2x4. But I am going to work on taking said 2x4 better. You're not trying to hurt me. You're trying to help me. And I need to continue to see that.
