Sandi's Reflections - Part 2

[sandi2]

Not to get tied up on titles, but at what point do you consider that you were piecing? Was it when you decided to do the right thing and stay in the MR or when you admitted remorse or perhaps at some other point?

That's a really good question. I was still in the house with my H, and we had not claimed to be in an in-house type of separation......just to clarify for readers. For me, when I made the decision to do the right thing and ended the A with OM, I considered the MR to be piecing. I had read information about the importance of transparency, and I immediately started being open about my computer activity, etc. As stated in the post you copied, I tried hard not to deliberately show disrespect toward my H. I was focused on trying to get through the withdrawals, come to the DB every day, and address my health issues. This may not have appeared as the 110% effort my H said he initially wanted from me, but in time he was convinced I was being honest and had ended my A. Luckily for me, he is a very patient man.

Some of the hardest work for the WW is in her heart. The H may be working on his 180's or whatever, but she has to get rid of all that resentment, disrespect, and rebellious feelings she accumulated over the years. I'll try not to repeat what I said in that post again, except to say it is a process for her to work on her attitude, heart, speech and overt behavior. I mean, I was not feeling like a happy camper by any means. I couldn't just bounce back into being the W I used to be.

That brings me to the second part about admitting the remorse. When I was able to put away my stubborn pride, and really deal with the fact I had not forgiven my H for things that happened years ago....and I started facing the hurt and devastation to my family.....I began feeling humble. The remorse came, and I truly forgave my H for the past issues. I was able to genuinely apologize for my betrayal. Once that happened, then the desire to put effort in other ways begin to come. Before that, I had no "want to", no energy, no drive. I had too much garbage in my heart.

Given your own experience and years of reading here would you say that some of these steps don't always happen in the same order? (particularly the decision to will yourself to do the right things and heartfelt apology)

I don't think everyone's steps come in the very same order, and certainly not within the same
time frame. As similar as wayward spouses seem, the circumstances are individual and people go at their own pace. There have been couples who experience more than one false start (as it's called), and many WS backslide before they get completely through the withdrawals. I do believe it's essential for the wayward spouse to go through the process of cleaning up his/her heart. I believe it's very tough to make a happy, loving MR without the recovering WS experiencing a humble attitude.

I was very, very blessed to receive the information I needed at that time. I was getting it every day from the board. I have to wonder how many WS's get that type of information on a daily basis?

During your time willing your self, was there anything that you believe an H should do, outside of continuing DB basic?

Yes, I believe the recovering wayward spouse needs a lot of encouragement and support while trying to get through the withdrawals and just doing trying to do the right thing but not really "feeling it". It's not easy for the faithful spouse to know how to balance some of it without smothering the recovering WS.

I think professional guidance is important, and the faithful spouse should insist upon it. I think the WS needs information about what they are experiencing and how to proceed. My H would not go, but I got my help from the board. I also know he was reading what I was posting on the board, b/c he was watching my computer history. So, I think he got a little information, too.

I recommend the faithful spouse try to incorporate more fun activities and have group settings when possible, rather than pushing for romantic settings right off the bat...….especially if they've been in a SSM, and the WS was in an A, etc. I do believe the faithful spouse should insist (if need be) that they sleep in the same bed. They don't have to have sex right off the bat, but don't let the WS come back under the premise of being in separate bedrooms. While reconciling, this is the time to build the "friendship" side of the relationship (that's not the word I like to use referring to a M couple, but maybe it gives the right message of what I mean.) If the faithful spouse is the H, and if they were in a SSM, I think he should make it clear to his W that he will not settle for a life without sex. He needs to make his stipulations or conditions very clear upon them reconciling.

When it is the W that's been wayward, I think the H should not fear holding her accountable for her whereabouts, activities, etc. If the faithful spouse does not feel comfortable about something the WS wants to do apart from their spouse being with them, they need to express their concerns. The WW or WH should not be going off on trips without their perspective spouses. I'm old fashion, but I don't think a wife/mother should be out hitting the clubs/bars without her H when she is suppose to be recovering from waywardness and walking the straight & narrow path.

The faithful spouse should not agree to simply pick up the MR where they left off, without the WS doing the work.

Give the WS some space, but don't leave them alone for an extended amount of time, when they are going through withdrawals, and especially if they are reluctant to be transparent. Just don't make them feel like your breathing down their neck all the time. Don't smother with your presence. Yeah, it's a tough job being the faithful spouse.

I'm not sure if I'm addressing the type of things you wanted to know. Let me know.