H is still in Over seas and is flying home Sunday and is on the mend but still sore from broken rib and stab wound. My S18 visited over TGing and was bummed about his Dad being a no show, but we still had a great time visiting relatives and putting up the Christmas tree. He is in a good place and for that I am grateful.
It has been a reprieve having the H away and not in the house, at times I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. I thought him getting stabbed would be a wake up call and maybe the experience would elicit some deep emotions or epiphanies from him,but if they have he hasn’t shared them with me. The most he has said is he is sorry for “ putting me through all of this.” Not sure if that means also blaming me for all of his unhappiness or just holding the fort down while he is MIA. He has no problem telling me to tell our son he loves him and to kiss the dogs for him. In MC I said I wanted him to share his heart with me, I needed more connection with him, and he just can’t or won’t want to do it. He still won’t say he loves me or misses me...haven’t seen him in a month....the most he said was he was really bummed he wasn’t going to be with us for TGing. He did call me “Baby”, one day when he FaceTimed me. I guess I should be happy he throws me some crumbs here and there. I feel myself wanting to say FU and meet with a DA,and having some control over things and get off this ride but I know I will be mad at myself if I don’t finish with MC.I just feel like hurting him back especially now that he is down and because he has hurt me so much and still acts like he could take me or leave me. It has done a number on my self esteem, some days I know I will be ok. The thing that worries me is I’m not sure the man I married is coming back.,and I am tired of feeling so alone, and afraid of getting hurt again. I am finding myself over these last few months( sorry for the bad cliche). Still tutoring and actually speaking more Spanish! Planning some trips etc....I’ve been reading all the posts here and they have been very helpful and I have been keeping you all in my prayers. I know I really don’t have any real news but just needed to vent today. Some days I think I have come so far and other days I think nothing has changed between me and my H. Sigh.
