3 years pieced and still a work in progress!

[BluWave]

Hello all,

Thanks for the posts. I am doing well. Working a lot this time of year. Finally getting a small break from traveling for kids sports. Things with H are okay. Not much new to report. My love/hate R with the holidays is rearing it's head. I dread the shopping and frivolous spending!

I wish I had more to share. It's quite anticlimactic really. It's somewhat strange to view my R with H with the background of having read here for so many years. I wonder if I had not, would my M have survived at all? I don't only attribute it to the DB techniques that I have learned and the self growth, but reading here gives me a sense of normalcy overall. We all have our issues, no M is perfect, and I am not the only crazy person that wants to be M to a (former) adulterous mess! There is still some shame in that, for me. Sigh. And yes, I am calling you guys "messes" too. I am almost done reading ovrrnbw's threads and I badly want to shake some sense into him!

Something that Maika wrote last month left me thinking. You are truly a wise one, Maika. You have forced me to unpack a little bit more.

I am also wondering if you're somehow struggling with letting go of the past - life with H pre-affair and then BD and the aftermath. I do have experience with that struggle. The issue there is not the recognition that there is explicit baggage that needs to be dropped, but dealing with the fear that once you drop it, it's never coming back on your shoulders and you have to walk the path forward. Even though intellectually you know it's going to fine, part of you is wrapped up in that baggage as being part of your identity and story. Letting go means you have to change your story, which is scary because that story is a source of comfort and retreat. It's tackling that fear and seeing yourself differently where the challenge is. I am just curious to know how you think of yourself? Are you self-victimizing yourself with the story of what happened and that it will always continue to define you? For me, making that marked difference between being victimized in the past, and not a continuous victim helped.

The other thing about what you feel 'missing' in your M, are you waiting for your H to figure out what that void might be and fill it? Even though your R will never be like it was in the past, can you come to a place of acceptance on that? I don't mean resignation to that fact, but accepting that going through what you have gone through cannot possibly salvage the R in an intact way. The other piece on this is - what do you want your M to look like? Don't compare it to the past, but look towards the future. If you're not going to D and walk away, what does happiness and fulfillment in your M look like? And can you take ownership of that and make it happen, with his partnership?

Reading this first part, made me think of my mom. I am (like many of us) afraid of turning into my parents. My mom has spent a lot of her life and in her Rs, being a victim to others. She is a victim in several senses of it. I remember being kid, and even at a young age, feeling guilty. I would feel as though I let her down, hurt her, or did something wrong, when I didn't. I know that I didn't now of course, because I have three kids and realize that those were HER issues and not mine. That must have done a number on me and my development. How could it not have? My parents' D when I was 5 and I was lost in their shuffle.

I think you are right in that his A and our separation has become the defining moment in this M. There is some fear of letting that go, even tho it doesn't feel like a source of comfort. Maybe my fear lies in forgiving and moving forward because that translates into acceptance. I have always had a problem accepting things that don't feel fair or justified and so this was the ultimate whammy. Or am I like my mother and seek comfort and power (a false sense) in being a victim? Gosh, I hope not. Either way, it doesn't logically make sense to remain a victim or hold onto the past. I know that.

I don't know if I am waiting for my H to fill a void. What I do know is that his NGS is still a part of who he is, and while I accepted it about him before, there are things that are harder to accept now. The poor boundaries with women has been handled, so I am not referring to that. I am trying to recognize that the things about him that I don't like may not actually be deal breakers, but yes, they do bother me more now. I also think there are some very good and kind qualities in nice guys, that we tend to overlook here.

What you said is the same advice a friend has given me. If I am deciding to be in the M (I am) than I need to make the best of it.That's still hard to do. I am not quite sure how it is supposed to look moving forward. It's very strange to start over with someone I have so much history with ...

Blu