Introduction

[TJT]

My H has always been attracted to strong women but then, over time, he grows to resent them for the very things he liked about them in the first place. Confident becomes controlling...determined becomes stubborn...intelligent becomes “know-it-all”...you get the gist.

Yes, this. I believe this is part of what has happened in my sitch too, although historically I don't think my H's partners have followed that trend, AND I'm pretty certain OW is a much different type of "woman" (I have a hard time using that word with her), based off what I know.

That's interesting to me because I can see how her "needing" him may have drawn him to her, but I have a hard time believing he's going to be happy with that long term. Especially given allllll the logistical "life" things I did that I asked him many times if he would share more responsibility for doing, which he then would state he preferred me to do because I was better at it! Which may have been partly true but I also feel like was partly him being lazy and not wanting to have to deal with it.

I guess it's back to what I already said too about the "standard" of excellence other people around him have vs. me... maybe if I had fed him a bunch of fluff to make him feel like he was amazing (rather than just asking for help like a normal person) he would have been more open.

Then again, there's a big part of me that feels like he would have been "susceptible" to this no matter what, in the sense of it being more a values/commitment issue than an issue of our problems in the relationship, if that makes any sense. Not being able to evaluate and accurately make sense of one's feelings, and therefore making it someone else's problem.

I believe that most of the gripes, while not invalid, were made out to be way more of an issue and play more of a role in this than they really did - they were just "convenient" for him to use as a "reason". I have proof of this behavior in him because when the initial details of OW came to light and I suspected there was more to it, I tried to point out and ask about more things and he would totally gaslight and say, "You're never going to believe what I say" and "This is exactly what I'm tired of." So later when I found out that my suspicions were correct, I stated how messed up it was that not only did he lie, but then he made me seem crazy for not believing him. And he just said, "Yes, I did."

I will definitely say the "cycle" our arguments followed was essentially that I would bring something up, and the real issue would never get addressed because he'd just get too defensive about the fact that I was bringing something up! Instead of keeping on topic, it would become about "well what about when you did this other thing!" And i would say hey, we can gladly talk about that separately, but right now we're talking about this thing...and by the way, if you ever have any issue, please bring it up at that point and not only when I'm trying to talk to you about something else."

It sounds so stupid, and this is exactly what I meant earlier when I said that while I KNOW how maddening these cycles are, I'm still also smart enough to know that that cycle did NOT mean we weren't compatible..it just meant we hadn't yet cracked how to communicate with each other in ways that worked, and in my opinion is something that could definitely be improved upon.

Anyway, back on the topic of being strong vs. needy, I don't think I'll be able to "win" that game with him. I'm not going to be able to change the things that are strong about me, and I shouldn't have to and don't want to, but even IF I practiced being more, how should I say it.... prudent?... he's got such a fixed mindset that I don't think it would matter. Rather than growing together, he said at one point he doesn't think that's possible and we can grow with other people instead. I know it was likely just another excuse for him to run off with OW and time will tell how that works out for him and if he's just going to keep "outgrowing" people.

Separately I'm now freaking out a little bit that he's the one who has control over the D papers because for some reason I've gone from "he wouldn't spend the money on a lawyer or try to fight me for money" to "OMG WHAT IF HE GOT A LAWYER AND IS GOING TO FIGHT ME FOR MONEY"... but I'm going to table that for now and take into consideration what Steve already said, and not try to scare myself into anything other than what it is at this moment!