[Wanted1]

Wanted,
Just wanted to offer some reassurance to you regarding the move out. I had a fortunate opportunity with th ein laws going on a 40 day cruise. I didn't force but firmly suggested W go stay there while they were away. There were some bumps getting a child minding schedule set up but it settled down and while not ideal for the kids right now it is working. I can tell you that I am now dreading the day the in laws return and W has to come back home. It is all what you make it but life by yourself is not bad, actually I would say it is better. It gives you the freedom to do as you please, it gives you freedom from all the chaos of the situation. It allows you time to really process everything and really focus on yourself and not the sitch. It has really helped me make leaps and bounds when it comes to letting go and detachment. I'm just speculating but I think it benefits the WAS as well. It allows them some time to get a taste of what life without you is actually like, it likely also gives them some time to grasp the reality of what they are doing, just guesses though.

Catching up on your sitch I really think that her moving out would probably be the best thing for you. I know it's tough to see it but for your sanity and mental well being I really believe it would be a better option at this point.

Yeah, well said. I was super panicky about my ex leaving. I told her I was supporting her decision no matter what but man, it was the last thing in the world I wanted. I was scared it was the end, scared I couldn't do it on my own, scared I would be crushed financially, scared of... well everything. Panic attacks ruled the day. The first week she was gone I had the kids and it didn't seem that bad. The next week she had the kids AND the dogs and I never felt so utterly alone in my life. It was horrible I just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry. Everywhere in the house I went there were just constant reminders of the family that wasn't there anymore. To combat those feelings I went out and GAL'd my heart out. I occupied every moment with something, anything. At first I could still not think about anything but my family. But as time went on, and I had my kids again for a week, then not, then again and on and on my GAL went and it didn't seem so bad anymore. And soon I was like "wow, I can stretch out in the whole bed, it's all mine now!" and I was like "tonight I don't feel like doing anything except sitting and watching movies, and W isn't here to make me feel guilty for having the surround sound up too high so I'm cranking it" and "it's 10 pm and I want to work out, and hey it's only me here so off I go!" and "I wish I could just drop everything and go for a motorcycle ride. Oh wait, I can!" And man there's an R/C fly-in this weekend, I wish I could go, oh yeah I can, I am there!" The point being at first you'll miss your family life, but it's also really, really nice to have time to yourself to do WHATEVER YOU WANT. I had not had that for 20 years and suddenly I did, and at first it was scary, but eventually it was exhilarating. I love my alone time so much now that I can't imagine ever getting married again.

I think if LBS's could see the big picture they wouldn't be so sad and forlorn and clingy. If they could see what their life without the WAS looks like, and that not only is it not-so-bad but might even be pretty darned great, they would let go a lot sooner. Paradoxically that's exactly what they need to do to possibly win the WAS back. But fear prevents them from doing it.

AS, as always, you make a ton of good points. I've already sort of talked with W how kids' arrangements will go via text. She's on board with my suggestion, basically because it is really the only option with her 1hr commute each way to her new job. I'll have the kids Sun-Thur and then she will have them Fri-Sun for 3 weeks a month and she's allowing me to have 1 weekend a month. I told her I should really get one weekend to be able to go out and GAL with them. So that part might help me with not having an empty house right off the bat. That first weekend will probably be a little freaky. However, and I hate to even really say it because I love my kids to death and if W and I had opposite schedules I would give anything to be the one to do these things for them, but after a week of caring for them by myself, a little down time will probably be looked forward to! And then I get them back after only 2-3 days so I won't be going a week straight without them.

I did acknowledge to W that with this arrangement, the weekend I get them means they are basically with me 2 solid weeks. I told her that it isn't fair for the kids to not see her for that long and so I would work with her somehow whether it be maybe spending a weekend day with her if we don't have anything planned or maybe having her over for a meal one night each of the weeks.

She did say that "she's open/willing to share meals with all of us and that might be good for the kids." I didn't respond. This is exactly what I will be against at least initially. My time is my time and her time is her time and I won't be comfortable with that right now. If she suggests it again I'll tell her that. I'm only willing to that once a week during that time when I have them for the extended period. I am not in favor of it becoming a routine think, week in and week out. She wants to leave and this is just part of being a divided home.

She did double down on the "reconciling is not an option for me" statement she sent to me this morning. It wasn't because I asked either. She said "there has been endless reflection, thought and prayer behind the statement." Ok.....Thanks for making that clear again, I guess!

She did send me a text a little bit ago complaining about her first paycheck at the new job. There were more deductions taken out than she was anticipating. She said she will have to reanalyze the benefits she took. Might be the first of many little obstacles to overcome with her "new" life! I didn't respond to that message.