Pax, I think you are one of the few who has a true NPD. I know it is hard. I know how it feels to be made a fool and try to understand what was real and what wasn't and how you come to terms with a life that feels fraudulent.
I also know that at 35 you are young and have a lot of life and time in front of you. You are strong and wise. If you have to start over again, you will. This time you will keep your eyes open a little wider and probably your heart a little narrower (at least at the beginning).
I think it is maybe time to let go of it. All of it. Why keep dragging him with you. You will never know the "truth" or why he did what he did or if any of it was ever real. I think 26 used to quote that "constant wondering is constant suffering." But he has had enough of your minutes. Enough of your fear. Tell yourself every day, until now I was afraid, but now I am strong. Until now I worried, but now I am confident. Until now I feared the unknown, and now I embrace it.
Someone here brought up the Shawshank quote a while ago about swimming through three miles of sh*t to come out clean on the other side. You are almost there Pax. Take those last few strokes alone and you'll notice how much easier it is without that lifeless body you've been dragging behind you.
