Hi DB family, hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving. Sorry for the long write up I am catching up on a couple of weeks here. It has been the hardest year of my life, but to be honest, this may be the first year I have realized and actually been thankful for all the things in my life that are still so wonderful. You all were definitely on my list of expressing gratitude for.
I have been doing well all things considered. Busy with kids, GAL and finding new avenues for myself. Sometimes I am so busy that I run out of time, it is great because it gives me very less time to think about WH, although I admit he does cross my mind few times a day I am not possessed by it anymore.I am practicing mindfulness a lot and it has been immensely helpful
Things with L and D have been continuing, lot of darkness there that is to be expected I suppose. We have a custody hearing in a couple of weeks, every time I speak about this to L it is like peeling scab off of my deep wounds. But I have convinced myself that whatever happens will be for the best, for me and my kids, I am not going to suffer and fear that I might lose half their childhood. Instead, I will give them 100% of me when they are with me, techincally, if I was only 50% mentally available to them all days it would be the same right. In fact I want to do the most in the time that I actually get with them, they deserve my full attention every single minute.
I attended the court mandated parenting class, all that they could teach me was about 10% of what this site has to offer. The amount of knowledge and advice here is amazing, both as a LBW and a single mother I have gained so much from it. One of the guys who was attending this class, chatted me up for quite a bit and was clearly showing a bit too much attention. Admittedly it was a good ego boost, but I got away as quickly and politely as I could, I am so not ready to start dating and complicate my life further. I have read here that this could be one way to get WH back, but I have too much in my life to handle than going down this path, I dont want WH back because he is jealous or insecure I want a more rounded person.
For WH updates, he dropped off kids unexpectedly one night last week although he had asked for an additional night during the holidays. He seemed very upset on the call and cried when he dropped off the kids saying what he did for them wasnt being enough. I felt sorry for him and told him we were both doing the best as parents and the kids will have their days and miss one of us. He went away without much convo. I shared this with my GF later in the day and she pointed out that he may have done this to spend more time with OW and it actually could be true because I think she was visiting him so he had requested for a schedule change with kids previously. I felt like a fool but to be honest I would be nice to any person who cried in front of me. i wasnt swept by love to console him, it did bother me that he was crying but maybe I fell face first into that. Inviting 2x4s here, please.
My mom seems to have written him a bitter good bye email asking him to leave me in peace and go away for good. He forwarded it to me and asked for my response, I declined saying this is between them, i play no part in it and do not wish to respond. It is her closure I suppose, I am not going to give her a hard time nor am I going to participate in this fruitless convo. He expresses frustration when I dont text him back right away and he is just as lost as he was before. The beautiful thing I have realized is, I dont want him back with all this baggage and unresolved complications. I would have been a loving, loyal wife with all my faults but since he has decided this MR is not for him I will share my love and loyalty with everyone else in my life who deserve it and still cherish me.
