I think you've made huge progress in recognising these triggers. You probably didn't even totally understand it at the time, I'm guessing? You maybe had a gut feeling, but couldn't quite put it into context?
If you're anything like me, I have a very strong gut feeling about certain people/situations, but I also need the intellectual understanding that acts as a framework and validation for those feelings. That can sometimes take me a while and a little digging and thinking things over.
At least, that's how I've been in the past. I think now I'm more likely just to act on those gut feelings and move forwards without hanging around for the intellectual validation. I guess it's about learning to trust myself more? And also learning that not everyone processes things the same way as you do, and there are things you can learn from different ways of processing things.
I've noticed that I start to feel very down when I go over the alcoholic thing, again, hoping to gain some sort of further understanding and enlightenment. I can feel myself getting very down and energy draining away. And I can sense myself slipping into old ways of thinking/feeling/being. I can totally feel myself giving up my energy and power to my old way of being and my world feels like it's shrinking again.
Strange thing is, that world feels very, very familiar and somehow easy. Like I can let go of the almost permanent effort it's taking me moving forwards and sink back into...into nothing much.
When I'm here, I need to make a decision. What more am I going to learn at this point? Digging further into trying to find out stuff and gain some more understanding. It is what it is, as they say, and my future doesn't lie in looking backwards. I have to believe that I am worth more than what my old patterns of thinking/feeling/being taught me. I have to drag myself out of this...dunno...quagmire, for want of a better word.
And so it's about keeping moving forwards, outwards, upwards and not allowing yourself to shrink back. Because the price of shrinking back is high, too high a price for you to pay. So really it's about self worth, believing in yourself and trusting yourself.
