Thank you for the reframe DnJ. I know that I am projecting and mind reading to a point. You are right about my H. He doesn’t know why he is doing what he is doing, he just needs to do it. When all of this came to light, he fit the description of desperate and tormented. There was even a brief moment where he did a 180... when he was telling me that he loved me and wanted to come home. He quickly reversed from that though. Convinced himself that what he was feeling was just him trying to “fill some holes” and that he had actually tried to take a different path. I think that was the first time he really got in touch with what he had done and felt the weight of it.He had a moment of insight but then shoved it down...too scared to risk returning to the life we had. I wish I could convince him that we don’t have to return to anything... that we could make something new and 100% better. But he doesn’t trust that I would be different, or that he would be different or, even more so, that his feelings would be different. He is steadfast now. He looks at me with no emotion in his eyes. He has worked hard to shut down tha part of his heart. So I am left with this giant task of shutting down mine only there is nothing inside of me driving me to do this in the way that he is being driven. I will accept that I have no influence on what he does. I will endeavour to embrace this new normal and to let him go. I know that I am very close to doing that.
Despite all of my depressive, angst-ridden postings of late, I can feel myself changing inside. It is scary and exciting all at the same time. The relief that will come with detachment is something I long for. I can almost feel it. Certainly, I have had periods of time when I did feel it so I know that it is possible. With the help from you and the others here, I know that I will get there so thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. (((HUGS)))
