Hi sandi, thanks for your answer. Reading what you posted here makes me remember the first time I came across this forum. What you had posted then and what you are saying now could have been perfectly written by me. All your descrption matches my feelings inside the mist, the twilight zone. So I get it when you say we are trying to do the right thing without will power. It´s like getting on board a sailboat knowing the course to take but sitting there waiting for the winds...Well they are not coming along. We had to row. So we rowed, then it came the breeze.
So this forum was/is the wind I need/ed. I surreptitiously followed for nearly a year, then I became a member and slowly dared to post the now usual stupidities . Just like you, I´m getting the strength from my DB brothers and sisters, the crew of the sailboat.
I told you on my previous post that actually I´m focused on getting away of the fantasy life I developed. I need to live my real life. I remember reading something that you posted years ago when you said you even wanted your H to dissappear to have the idylic R with OM. Well I felt something similar when my waywardness times. I´m much better now and moving forward, away from the mist. Like you said I treat myself like and adict and take my days one by one. I´m not blaming adiction on the choices I made or I´m making right now. I take care of my actions and I have the strength of will to be the captain of my boat (thank you Steve!).
W has done her own work. I have been encouraging her to do some IC but she´s very stubborn. I´ll keep trying. I´m working on my NGS behaviors that got the MR in danger. We are in a better place, on the same boat and sailing with S13. Each day is better than the previous. Sometimes we come across triggers that make W sad or angry...well I validate and face the storm. I know I have damaged her, I live with that every day. She is the lighthouse, I love that girl. I don´t know if I have forgiven myself...I don´t dare to think about it. I never blame W on nothing of what I did. Maybe we are both accountable for the disconection we had somewhere on the MR but the steps I decided to take after that are my own failure. Thanks for the advice on what material to check. I´m doing that.
I´m still doing my inner voyage. Still fighting fears. Actually I´m figthing my fears of knowing my real father. I´m still protecting my mother secret so I must keep working on that. Those were some MLC triggers some time ago. Need to resolve that, abandonment and childhood related feelings.
Thank you Sandi. Being yourself in my position times ago let you know how much you have helped me. You are my Jack Three Beans! THANK YOU!
I´ll keep fighting, never give up. I am where I have chosen to be. Standing here. S13 and W sailing with me. Can´t ask for more.
Life is living. We must enjoy that journey, hapiness is there, on that endless road.
. Just like you, I´m getting the strength from my DB brothers and sisters, the crew of the sailboat. 