I agree some people do tell themselves some version on “kids will adjust”, to absolve themselves of guilt. I don’t know if that actually works for the “guilty” parent/spouse.
You are correct that anyone can convince themselves of anything, and it takes a lot less than four years.
To that point, a caution in mind reading.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
...H changed his mind and give us a second chance to do right by our kids but realistically, it is unlikely, as he has been convincing himself this is the only option for the past four years and probably even longer than that.
You do not know that he has been convincing himself. He doesn’t even know why he is doing what he is doing. A more probably idea is that he has tried, in his mind, to figure out his problem and has ran out of options. This is all he is left with. He is a broken person, desperate, lost, and tormented. Desperate people do desperate things.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I have always been steadfastly opposed to divorce with children unless you have exhausted EVERY option but it takes two to want to do that.
I am also of that mind set. Perhaps you can see how your H, who has been at this for much longer than you (secretly and crazily), has in his mind exhausted every option.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Kids deserve to have both parents 100% of the time and the advantages that come along with that. You can adjust to having one parent 50% of the time but you are not better off.
True. However, not your choice.
How about one parent 100% of time? What if one parent dies? Is it better for kids to not have a bad family unit with parents at each other, to have two better individual role models rather than the one poor one?
You know my situation, and it is on the extreme end of the spectrum. One parent can be enough.
DV, please be careful with mind reading and projecting into your H. Be accurate in thought and heart - it is the road to compassion and loving detachment.
You , we, also are convincing ourselves of things, coming to terms with all that has happened. Do not make it worst than it is, or different than it is. Seek the truth.
Be the best person and parent you will be.
You children will thank you for it.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
