I woke up early this morning and I sat outside in the dark and I cried. Not massive sobs, just some quiet tears. I am still crying now. This, whatever it is, is so very very hard.
I realized this morning something that has been coming on for a while. I am letting go. Not the reationary "I am done" that I have seen here so often, and myself declared in the heat of the moment when he was still living here or on the odd occasion since he MO. A quieter letting go.
I want him to come home but, after a year, I am just tired, and I am oh so very lonely. It is not that I want another R, I just want someone to want me, to hold me and tell me that I am beautiful. This new pain is different. It is not that I miss him (which I do) but I know now that I also miss just being with someone. This new pain is not to do with him, it is to do with me.
And then I start forecasting. How would a new even R work? What if it moved beyond casual and he/I wanted to be part of my family life ? Does that mean this will be our last Christmas as a family ? What will my children think ?
This is different from before when my forecasting was about him moving on ... right now, he has his personal life (with or without dating) which has nothing to do with the family, and his family life which has nothing to do with his personal life. What happens when his two lives merge?
All fruitless thoughts. But they were there nevertheless this morning and I am feeling a sadness I have not felt for a while.
I don't know. Maybe the loneliness is fleeting and tomorrow I will regain my resolve.
