Well, we're doing a trial cohabitation for the time being, currently IHS. She is currently saving up to buy a place and I am saving up to finish the basement so I can get a buddy of mine to move in. All of this is up in the air, as she flips from one conversation to the next on whether to stay or move out or how we’re going to handle the equity in the home. None of the divorce paperwork can be filed yet, because I am currently adopting my stepson (14) so that he retains my military benefits (my idea). It'll be at least 50-60 days for that and 90 something days for the divorce. We are not sure if those can happen concurrently - W is supposed to find that portion out, but I'm gonna talk to a family law guy in the JAG office. I am going to talk to a couple lawyers to get some perspective, especially on the finances. She has already started the legal zoom process, but there was a lot of things that weren't discussed in there that will need to be cleared up before we file. I am leaning toward mediation.
For the emotional part of things, she is still going to OM's house to visit (she went last night). She tells me that she wants out of the marriage because she wants to pursue a relationship and be physical with other people, which she tells me she hasn't done yet. I told her last night, when she asked if I was alright with her going, that I was not okay with it and that I would prefer if she didn't tell or ask me in the future. I also gave her my forgiveness for doing what she is doing. She got upset and said she didn't ask for my forgiveness, to which I responded that it wasn't for her. She doesn't see the irony of being with the OM and saying that she isn't a cheater, just because they haven't had sex. She is deadset in this mindset and "doesn't want to hurt me" which is why she is now switching her tune to trying to buy this new place. To be honest, I'm relieved that she is looking at other places. In-house divorce sounds like a living hell for both of us. She still hasn't opened up as to how she feels about my part in the downfall of the marriage (in her defense, I quit asking weeks ago). She says I'm a good guy and deserve to be happy - which I agree with, but we disagree on how to get to mutual happiness (also haven't brought that up in weeks).
My personal growth is coming along well, learning a lot about myself. After reading No More Mr Nice Guy, I can confidently say that I have some nice guy traits about me that certainly caused a lot of grief in the R. I disagree on the why in the book, but the behaviors existed nevertheless. Wish I would have read that book years ago. Identifying my own flaws has been enlightening, though it's taken away from my actual school studies, so I need to balance that out. I'm working on GAL, going to a divorced/divorcing men's support group and a MeetUp event this week. Also trying to rally some friends for a weekend event. My fitness journey is going great. Probably the best shape I've been in for years. Lost 20lbs and my lifts and run times are greatly improved.
To answer a few topics that came up in previous posts: About the hunting trip - My wife actively encouraged me to start pursuing passions as I had put myself on hold while I was in school. She was supportive of this and anything outdoorsy as I can take my sons with me (well, S3 can’t go hunting yet, but can go hiking, camping, fishing, etc) or we could go on a family hike. We divided parenting duties and individual time very well; part of our good management skills (except for the MR).
Breaking news: W is taking S3 on a playdate with EA's D4. Got in a huge fight over it where she revealed a lot of anger about how I “always second guess her as a parent” and “judge her” for her decisions. I'm looking back over the relationship to see where else I've done things like that as well as why she may perceive things that way or how I came across that way and why. I understand that she's an emotional wreck and that she projected a lot onto me during the conversation, but it felt like she really meant those things. To be clear, I stated that I was not comfortable with her taking S3 to hang out with OM and his D4 because of her feelings for him and her emotional state. She came back and said that they are just friends, that I need to take my heart out of the situation, that I made a worse decision by taking him to a “Friendsgiving” dinner at our neighbors house (whom we visit regularly for game night) where there were other women that neither of us knew, that she should be able to move on with whoever she wants (friend, stranger, or “a person across the gd world”, that I was being judgemental, that I didn’t trust her with the emotional well-being of our son, that I thought she would emotionally or physically harm S3. Mind you, these all came as a flurry of separate texts with only 2-3 responses from me in there wherein I stated that this might confuse S3, that I thought she was a good mother, and that her intentions and mine concerning another relationship are very different (I told her less than a week after BD (before DB) that I was going to take a long break from relationships and focus on relearning myself).
I’m mind-reading for a second here, bear with me, but I believe that she is very emotionally charged about me finding another woman - this would explain the constant questions about meeting someone else, if anyone has been flirting with me, etc. any time that I go out as well as the reaction from her about the game night. I don’t know whether those emotions are positive or negative, guessing negative by the aforementioned conversation, but the reactions are there. I’m not going to read into them, I’m just acknowledging that she is reacting to certain things. I’d like your guys’ take on it.
