Introduction

[burned]

I have absolutely realized in my H's case that he needs a lot of validation

Possibly part of the WS/WAS syndrome, certainly true in my case. In hindsight, she was insecure and needy, and I didn't do enough to "feed" that. I mean I thought I did. But as with the job-hopping thing, maybe enough was never enough. One of the jobs she hopped away from offered her something crazy like a 25% increase in salary if she would stay. Nope, she had decided she was done and was already looking forward to her next job. (Two regrets here: 1, I enabled this every time it happened, saying, "If you don't like it, quit, you'll find another job anywhere, they'll love you, and I'll foot the bill in the meantime." Foreshadowing, perhaps, and now you see why I'm so certain she won't be coming back. 2,

the one small thing I was asking him to help ME with often went unaddressed while he is putting in all the efforts to please people at work..

Here I'll be honest and say that I did that, and I'm the one who got BDed. W repeatedly said she doesn't care about money. But I was raised to judge my worth by my salary, big mistake. I was so proud of myself; she felt all alone. Maybe it's a guy thing? Or maybe it's because when I was at work and I did something nice, I got praised, which I like, whereas at home I got a lot of gruff. (I'm slowly starting to see things more clearly from a distance, almost 8 months post BD1.)

I don't think my H or your W will ever find what they're looking for if that's the rationale behind it. A part of me thinks that points to my H not ever being able to be satisfied in any relationship

This is what I'm led to believe usually happens with the WS/WAS. They don't address the issues and they run through the script again. My M lasted 11 years (10 good years) so maybe 10 years from now she will find herself angry and alone again? That's still not a comforting thought, for someone codependent like me who still seems to think that she'd be happiest with me.

How are you feeling now? Has it abated some or are you still working through those fears?

Sorry to let you down, but I'm not even close to getting past those fears. They are THE thing holding me back right now, and they seem to get more intense the closer I get to D because that means I really will have to face them and I won't get to hide from them by staying in my M. But consider that healing happens at different rates for different people, and I am stubborn and somewhat immature when it comes to emotions. Plenty of people around here actually looked forward to the freedom and opportunities that came later. I'm just not there yet.