Introduction

[TJT]

Oh look we really did marry the same person! I wonder if it has to do with them finding their purpose in life? Feeling valued, ability to grow and connect to the world around them?

I have absolutely realized in my H's case that he needs a lot of validation, and of a specific type (I think..maybe it's simply any type he's not used to!)

In fact I truly accidentally discovered a picture he was tagged in on SM recently that I had never seen before, from an event I know he attended (before all this started, but very recent to it) where a high school girl invited him to a school professional event since he "mentored" her about the field he works in, which she wanted to go into.

I remember him talking about how she gave a nice speech and called him out by name, etc. (For the record, I also remember telling him that it was nice of her, etc. and it was good he is helping others). But now here they were in a picture, and if it was anyone else it would seem normal I suppose, but now with the sitch I'm in I looked at it compleeeetely different.

Everything from the smile on his face to how close they were standing, all I could think about was what he was thinking in his head at this moment - that instead of this being something he was just proud to help someone with, he was likely feeling like Mr. Hot Stuff... "look at me and this other person giving me sooo many good feelings" (of course not putting into perspective that this is a HIGH SCHOOL GIRL who is not married to him or even has the slightest clue as to his flaws).

While I hate to think about it, because I don't want to believe he's on the spectrum of "creepy" and this girl was even younger than OW, I do feel like he also interacted with people of different ages in ways that I thought was a little off. Like, having pretty informal texting relationships with the people he managed, in a "friends" way, not in a work-related way, when he is a middle-aged man and they are, like I said, typically high school or early college age. That's one thing I did say something about once, but I'm sure you all know how that conversation turned out. Reasons, and stuff, and things, and later got used against me out of context ("Sometimes you say I'm too nice and then you say I'm too mean, which is it!?")

It's just one example but there are many other anecdotes of his work life where even the simplest compliment or admiration from others gave him the biggest ego trip...meanwhile I could say 10 positive things that wouldn't matter because of the 1 negative thing I said another time (he acknowledged this at some point, but had a "reason" as to why it was different in his mind, of course) AND the one small thing I was asking him to help ME with often went unaddressed while he is putting in all the efforts to please people at work..

Sorry, I got all riled up now ...haha. This is the stuff I definitely don't miss, that I try to remember the feelings of....but it's also the stuff that I feel we could have worked on together re: what we each needed. Totally not realistic if he's just expecting things instead of trying to understand my perspective or doing his part (and thinking that there's some deeper level of connection with someone else that's going to turn out drastically different because they tell him he's the best manager they've ever had and it's a new exciting thing to hear). Nevermind the threshold of greatness these people are used to is very low, again given their demographic, work experience, etc. Not to discount my H - he is great at what he does - but that's just the truth of the situations he's in that I don't think he realized whatsoever.

So yeah, if he's compared those experiences and people to me and our marriage, I was a little harder to impress than that. Could I have done better to positively reinforce certain things? Without a doubt. Do I deserve to be served because of it (let alone cheated on)? I don't think so.. (I also experienced the phenomenon of him suddenly doing all the little things I wished he'd have done during the normal course of our relationship once all this started, before it escalated, which made us get along briefly much better than we had in a long time...clearly not hard from him to do, but only willing to do out of guilt apparently. Like helping more around the house, saying thank you to every little thing I did for him, etc.)

Anyway, to your point, Yail, I don't think my H or your W will ever find what they're looking for if that's the rationale behind it. A part of me thinks that points to my H not ever being able to be satisfied in any relationship (especially one with someone younger and less mature who may just want to "give up" when things don't go well); but I also recognize someone less mature and more needy may be even more willing to accept his flaws and deal with them because of how much they do truly need him, whereas I didn't. Who frickin knows.