Introduction

[burned]

(I read something once - wish I could find it quickly with ease but I can't - that talked about one of the worst things about suffering being the consciousness that we are suffering. I find that to be very true, because I am constantly aware of my feelings and the flaws in my feelings or even thoughts, which just adds to the frustration that I feel and think that way to begin with!)

This is a tenet of most major world religions, and especially Buddhism. Humans are the only animals (to the best of our knowledge) who can experience emotional pain, because we have the capacity to envision alternate possibilities. Most recently I came across this line of thinking (and articulated really well) in a book called 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson.

I do know he switches jobs a lot because he's never really happy

My ever so wise parents told me that this, of all things, was the number one concern they had about W the entire time they knew her, and the reason why they were not at all surprised that she'd ditch me for another man. Is that attitude part of the WW syndrome? Maybe. It's certainly yet another reason why our sitches are so eerily similar. For example:

ever since I've been a little girl I have always thought about the future and planning how to get there, believing that if I do the "right" things I will achieve whatever I want to achieve.

The reality that I don't have full control over such a huge part of my life (in terms of what I would like to achieve with a specific person in a specific relationship), and how that's NEVER really truly possible, is just overwhelming. I can see how it's much easier to trust people and give your all in a relationship when you haven't experienced this type of thing because the moment you're aware of it, it ruins you. That's the other thing I mentioned in IC yesterday: I am now so afraid that I will sabotage any future relationship now that I know someone I thought was close to me is actually capable of it.

Funny how the people you least expect it from hurt you the most! Makes it even worse because now I feel like I can't trust myself to pick a good partner...

I also realize that anyone I really want to be with should be empathetic and understanding and supportive of what's happened in my life to the extent reasonable.

I feel even more weak and pathetic for wanting someone who doesn't see the value or want to put in the work for someone as amazing as me!

And there you go again, reading my mind. These are fears that I am thoroughly familiar with. Earlier on in my sitch I was advised to sort of put them on ice, if that's something you can consciously do. Let tomorrow's worries be for tomorrow.