Introduction

[TJT]

What if I told you that in 95.75% of the cases, talking about filing for D is actually an indicator that HE IS RETHINKING THINGS.

I've definitely not heard that before but I'm absolutely going to use it to make myself feel better, hah. To both Steve and burned... I do see what you're saying, I'm of course just skeptical that this is the truth with him, because why not continue to torture myself with the worst possible thinking? (I read something once - wish I could find it quickly with ease but I can't - that talked about one of the worst things about suffering being the consciousness that we are suffering. I find that to be very true, because I am constantly aware of my feelings and the flaws in my feelings or even thoughts, which just adds to the frustration that I feel and think that way to begin with!)

I also cannot think of a specific time where I've observed that type of behavior in him before. Like burned said, I probably need to let it percolate more too. Maybe I will think of other things that validate that. I do know he switches jobs a lot because he's never really happy, but doesn't necessarily have the means or (financially) or options (opportunities) to find a job he'd really love (although that was one thing I certainly offered him to do, to not work somewhere at least as a full-time, permanent arrangement until he found something he thought would be a good long-term place for him). I do feel like that behavior is somehow related to this, but I can't quite put my finger on the mechanics of it.

Even if he finally get the gumption to file, then everything else I said is true. What you said makes sense.....IF you are letting emotion and what ifs govern your life. DBing is about taking the what ifs out of the life governing business.

Yeah... I'm aware but definitely struggling to wrangle that and demonstrate it at my core. I am really trying to focus more on the whole "now" aspect of life vs. "what ifs" or "what will be", which is VERY hard because ever since I've been a little girl I have always thought about the future and planning how to get there, believing that if I do the "right" things I will achieve whatever I want to achieve.

The reality that I don't have full control over such a huge part of my life (in terms of what I would like to achieve with a specific person in a specific relationship), and how that's NEVER really truly possible, is just overwhelming. I can see how it's much easier to trust people and give your all in a relationship when you haven't experienced this type of thing because the moment you're aware of it, it ruins you. That's the other thing I mentioned in IC yesterday: I am now so afraid that I will sabotage any future relationship now that I know someone I thought was close to me is actually capable of it.

Being aware of my feelings on this and how it might be affecting me is certainly a positive thing, I know that, but you still never know how you're actually going to feel and react in a new relationship. My H is actually the first man I really honestly felt like I could trust and NEVER second-guessed myself with him until late, when all this started to happen. Funny how the people you least expect it from hurt you the most! Makes it even worse because now I feel like I can't trust myself to pick a good partner...

I also realize that anyone I really want to be with should be empathetic and understanding and supportive of what's happened in my life to the extent reasonable.

TJT, you've got this. You are a strong woman. You do not NEED this man in your life. It is okay to want him in your life, but needing him in your life makes you weak and pathetic....something you certainly are not.

I appreciate you saying that, 100%. It's weird because I actually do feel this way too. I legitimately feel like I don't need him, but I am so frustrated that I still want him! I don't want to want him if he doesn't want me! It's another thing that I feel makes it even worse; I feel even more weak and pathetic for wanting someone who doesn't see the value or want to put in the work for someone as amazing as me! Clearly that must mean I didn't make our experience together worth his while (that's my emotions talking, not my logic, because as we said before that could have nothing to do with it).

You. Are not alone.

I hate to say thank you to things like this because it's terrible for everyone, but thank you for validating. It is nice to know I'm not the only one that thinks exactly like I do (and while I read plenty of other sitches, it's always different than receiving a direct response on our own thread, you know). So thanks for responding and putting in your two cents.