Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 5

[Davide]

Ovr,

Thanks for your contribution. I fully expected a negative reaction here because I know that what I am doing a) does not concord with the values (often but not exclusively religious) of many people here, and b) it goes against the principle of "standing" for the MR which is a bedrock of DBing. However, I didn't make this decision lightly or impetuously, but rather by considering what my values are. I highly value my relationships and a sense of commitment and was 100% faithful during my marriage. However, I do not particularly care about pieces of paper issued by the government or religious entities and that is all that is left of my marriage.

I agree with you that "shoulds" are a form of control. I don't think they are necessarily malicious in their intent (though they can be.) Rather, they are a way that we construct a narrative of life and the world that makes sense to us. You "should" go to college because it will help you get a good job and earn more money. What is interesting to me is that they are probably even more powerful internally than externally. We unknowingly swallow so many expectations throughout the years and internalize the "shoulds" to the point that we think they are our own values, even if they don't really concord with our true values. I "should" have been happier in my previous position because it paid more and it was much more prestigious, even though I felt creatively stifled. It can be even harder to get past these internal shoulds. I always thought that I "should" get married for life to one person. Unfortunately, life happened and my illusion of control over things was stripped away.

It's a really interesting topic that has come up quite a bit in my counseling sessions as well. I definitely recommend listening to that episode of the podcast (I think it is the most recent one).