Feeling better today. Not so distracted at work. Really working hard on a PMA and trying not to go down the road of "what ifs". Saw my H briefly this morning. I said "hi" when he got there but exited the room before he left. He probably thought I was intentionally ignoring him but I wasn't. There is just nothing to say really.
I signed up for my first meet-up hike on Sunday. Looking forward to it. There are about six women going so far... I know none of them so it will be exciting to meet new people. I'm also hoping to get my guitar this weekend. My H had told me he would help me pick one out but I think I will just rely on the professionals at the store like I would if there were no H. And, honestly...there really isn't anymore. I think that is the part that I have been struggling to accept all this time. The person I loved no longer exists - if he ever really did. He has been replaced by a cold, self-focused individual who thinks that if he just pays more attention to his kids, he will become a better person. There is no looking in the mirror.. no self-reflection...no taking of responsibility...no recognition that had HE made different choices, we would not be in this mess. Every complaint he has about our MR was fixable if we had just talked about it and both of us had made an effort to DO something different rather than FEEL something different. But my H doesn't believe that. He is like a teenager in that regard. He is all about feelings. There is no intention in the things he does...just reaction and self-preservation. He has no real values or beliefs that he lives by and he continues to believe that the psychic pain he is contending with is solely about the things that were lacking in our MR and not within himself. It is so sad that our family is having to pay the price for that. There is no more family. We are just two people who happen to share a couple of kids. Truly forgiving him for that, if I am honest, is going to take a long time.
