Because W and I don't really talk, there are no boundaries set. I don't feel like there's anything pressing I have to get off my chest right now that "fits" our current situation other than the A. Because I don't feel there are any boundaries being laid down, I feel like there is no progress. burned also commented and talked about what I was getting at. Sometimes we want to do something to "fix" things so we try to figure out what it is we need to do, what action to take. He's been spinning. We think of what boundaries to set when sometimes there just aren't any for the time being.
Then I'll have to say that I don't think either of you fully understand the purpose or the operation of boundaries. Imagine that you drew a circle around yourself. That circle represents a protective shield. You decide what can go inside that circle and what doesn't. B/c what goes crosses that line/circle....hurts you. It tears down your dignity and self esteem. It forces you to compromise. It takes away your manhood. It's your responsibility to protect your feelings. Someone else may not respect you, and could care less if you don't like what they say or do. Now, I want you to understand that they have a choice. If they have no free choice, then this is no boundary. You cannot force someone else to protect your feelings, right? You cannot make them do something they don't want to do. If any action is taken......the action is yours, not theirs. What I mean is ...….if someone does something that reflects their disrespect toward you, it's up to you as to how to respond to their disrespect to you. You can always walk away. That's a action. You can always hang up the phone when someone is speaking disrespectfully. That's an action. If someone is physically attacking you, you may need to fight back or get the police. Your priority is your own protection. Not in a cowardly sense, but in a way that shows you are standing up for yourself and you aren't going to simply lie down and let someone else wipe their poop on you. Make sense?
I'll use this for an example, but I'll warn you that many men have jumped into deep water b/c they thought stating this particular boundary would control their adulterous W. They were terribly mistaken. Then when things didn't go like they thought it would, they would try to wiggle out of it. Can't do it. You have to stick to your word, if you put it out there.
Boundary: "I will not stay in an open marriage."
She still has a choice. I want you to get this. She can choose to stay in the affair, or she can honor her H's boundary...….but the choice is hers. The H is simply stating what he will do (or in this case, not do)...…..which is stay in an open M. If she's having a PA, she has put the M at risk......physically, emotionally, financially, morally, etc. She has opened the physical intimacy of the M to include someone else. Therefore, her H is protecting himself by getting out of that type of situation where he is compromising his beliefs, moral standards, STD risks, etc.
If she chooses to remain in the affair, then what does the H do? Does he repeat the boundary? No! Does he give her warnings? No! Does he try one more time to have a R talk? No! He does what he said. He stops staying in an open marriage. What does that mean? Well, he either separates or prepares for a divorce. (In-house separation is no good, b/c he's still staying with her.....giving her benefits of M.) Anyway, the action is up to him. If she suffers consequences (like the loss of living with her H), she may decide to honor his boundary, or she may not. She has a free choice.
Do you see how the H is protecting himself from further disrespect? Do you see how he is not forcing her, and that she may decide she doesn't care if they get a D, and she may continue her A? It's not about the H controlling her. it's about him protecting himself.
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One boundary is controlling the space. Although it is not verbally communicated, I'm not allowing her into my space because I reserve that for someone who wants to be in the MR, because she isn't, I'm removing -myself- away from her when I can without affecting the children. When children are involved, like dinnertime, I'm cordial.
Not sure about the part in bold. That sounds more punitive than self protection. Maybe it's just the way I'm interpreting it.
You can only control YOU. If you don't want to announce your boundary, that's okay. My question would be, is it effective? If so, then fine. If she invades your space, or doesn't catch on to what you are doing.....or why, then what? Walk further away...….walk around in circles....? I mean, you have to determine if it's effective or not. I'm not saying it is a poor boundary, I'm just trying to get you to understand a little better.
I'm not the best at explaining things, but you'll get there. A lot of people confuse boundaries with ultimatums. They are not the same.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
