Just Thank you all. A very big Thanks

[sandi2]

W didn’t make me work hard to get back home but I knew I have to do it myself.

I have had a lot of LBH's ask me what my H did to get me to stay in the M. It wasn't what my H did. He was not the one coming to the board for help. I was. The way I see things, it's the person who is showing up on this board that's getting the "tools". The LBS may be trying to do something to keep the M together, but you and I were the ones who showed up here. As far as I could tell (in my fogged out condition), it didn't appear that my H was doing anything. Honestly, I didn't want him doing anything, but just leave me alone. He did tell me, when I told him I decided to stay, that he expected me to put 110% effort into working on the MR. It ticked me off! Remember, I had not reached the point of feeling remorseful, and was just trying to do the right thing. To me, he sounded self-righteous. I felt I had always been the one who nurtured the relationship, but maybe that was my own arrogance, bitterness, or short sightedness. Inwardly, I still wanted to blame him for my affair. I know that he wasn't being self-righteous, and he had every right to say what he did. I just couldn't muster that much emotional or physical energy b/c my heart wasn't on the right place, yet.

When you are trying to do the right thing by sheer will power...…...and you don't have the desire feeding your soul...….you aren't going to produce as much energy. Does that make sense? Yes, I had ended my A and gone NC, was being transparent, etc. In other words, I was not engaging in any overt WW behavior. However, I was still very resentful toward my H, and at the time....still did not feel respect for him. I was careful not to show any outward disrespect, but my heart had a lot of processing to do. Many LBS's would not and could not understand how on earth I would have such audacity, and that I should be so thankful and humble that my H loved me enough, yada, yada, yada. See, they have a different mindset from the wayward. They have that strong desire and drive for their M to work and are willing to put up with most anything to save it...…..where as the wayward spouse who is coming down from an addictive affair.....cannot share that kind of spirit, feeling, or energy until s/he has fully gone through withdrawals, IMHO. It's easier when you experience all the warm fuzzy feelings and have that passion in your soul. When I ended my A, I just felt terribly sad and empty of any positive feelings or hope. I was trying to resign myself to settle for living in misery for the rest of my life. I don't know if it's that way for everyone, but based on the information I've read, I'm pretty sure it's true for WW's. Maybe you can give us some input from the WH side.

So, the wayward has stopped the affair, but it takes time and going through a process to fix the damage to her/his heart. The LBS is not the only one who was damaged in this ordeal, the wayward spouse is damaged too. Not in the same way as the LBS, and the damage came from our own hands, but we are certainly a mess when we end an affair. Why can't LBS's get it through their heads that ending an affair is just the first step, and it is not an automatic fix to the MR problems? How can we (as a recovering wayward spouse) feel emotionally alive and healthy until we rid traces of the affair and OW/OM from our heart? Well, it may seem easy enough in the opinion of someone who has never experienced it, but I'm here to tell them that the addictive pull works on you like anything else that's addictive. That's why you have to deal with it like a porn addiction, drugs or alcohol. That's why you can't have contact of any kind with the former affair partner. Listen, coming through those flames is not easy. I encourage the LBS to support their recovering WS when they are going through the withdrawal stages.

I drew so much strength from the board. Strangely enough, one of my most effective mentors was a lady who had a recovering wayward husband. At that time, he was back home and they were piecing.....but they had been through so much, and her wisdom spoke to my fogged out brain, and helped me tremendously. I also butted heads with a couple of strong minded LBH's who had had wayward wives, and I think at the end of the day, we learned something from each other. Anyway, I will always appreciate the people who were on the board back then. We still have some dedicated folks on the board today. And, I am still learning from the LBH's. I've learned from them about the pain my own H went through, more than I learned from him telling me.

Okay, I wanted to ask a couple of questions. Are you struggling to forgive yourself? That's a biggie, isn't it?

Have you read any material from the Gottman Institute on healing and loving again after an affair? Many sources address healing for the betrayed spouse, but there are actually some who address both spouses and the challenges they face as a couple after an affair. I don't know if you and your W are in any type of couple's therapy, but I would encourage you to check out Dr. Gottman's material.

How is your W doing? Is she showing much anger/resentment? Does she seem vindictive? Do you think she would be willing to receive couple's therapy, or work with you in reading information that would help? I feel many couples believe they can figure it out on their own, but how many of us have those skills? Most of us need help from an unbiased and experienced professional.

I was warned that my OM would probably contact me at some later point. Sure enough, about a year later (can't remember exactly) he called me......at work. He started off the conversation as though we were picking up where we left off. It freaked me a little b/c I had read too many fatal attraction stories...….so that warning helped me to be calm and give a firm response. I told him in no uncertain terms that the A had been the worst mistake of my life, that I loved my H and was going to make my M work. I think he got the message loud and clear b/c I've never heard from him again. I consider myself very, very blessed, b/c everyone does not get away from the AP as easily.

I want you to know that you are not alone, Neffer. You can get through this withdrawal period. Don't give up. I hope your IC is helping.