Introduction

[SteveLW]

P.S. I know that the type of text I described could be interpreted as putting more pressure on him. That's why I have not sent it. But I do want to know if there's anything at all that I could say that would be appropriate just to emphasize that I have not changed my mind about working on the marriage, IF he wants to.

I am afraid that if he does have any doubt in his mind, his shame and ego would prevent him from admitting that and trying to come back. I want to convey that I am not going to judge him or condemn him and that I am still a "safe" place IF he has the desire to work on things.

Simultaneously, I also know that I alone cannot fix the parts of him that make him feel ashamed or that otherwise prevent him from feeling like he can face into issues to make them better. If he sees something as broken or a failure, he has to first and foremost be okay with that rather than choosing to ignore or run away from them because it's too hard, embarrassing, doesn't feel the best, etc.

Guess I'm still affected by the feeling that this is my fault and there is something major I could have done to prevent it all.

All LBSs think like this. Everything you express here has been expressed by dozens if not hundreds of posters before you. We all struggle with wanting to say the right thing. And that their ego and pride will mean that can't change their mind again. And that they may not be able to see everything clearly themselves. And that it is our fault and something we could have done differently to prevent it all.

There is no right thing to say. There are right things to do. GAL, 180s, detachment!

Their ego and pride might get in the way. However, they had the same ego and pride when they stood before God and a crowd of friends and family and promised their undying love to us. Can their mind change again? Of course it can.

They may never see everything clearly. Or they may wake up tomorrow and say "what the heck am I doing?!?" As you say we have no control over that.

And finally, maybe this is your fault. And you could have done things differently. So what? You can't go back. All you can do is resolve to be a better person from this moment forward.....no matter what the WAS decides to do!