Introduction

[TJT]

Well, I got a text today from H, giving me a heads up saying he was working on the decree and might need some info from me to help fill it out.

I just went to IC yesterday because I was having a wave of grief after the holiday break that had me feeling just like the first day this all happened. We talked about how he still hadn't filed and how I felt about things and if/when I would ever file. Guess it's a non-issue now.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I am definitely surprised and absolutely even more hurt by this. It seems to confirm that he doesn't question his decision at all, especially given how apathetic he usually is about most other decisions in his life and rarely steps up to take action. He must really not love me anymore or have any doubt about my value in his life or whether his decision to divorce me is something he wants.

I know it's not over 'till it's over but I was not ready for this. Maybe it's because our anniversary is coming up in December that he realized he should do something but again, that would be very surprising to me if he thought that through and took action as a result.

Like I told my counselor yesterday and I've been saying in my posts, I have some great days where I feel I will totally be okay, but the days where it's bad, the pain is no less. I am afraid that even if the time between the feelings gets longer, I will never escape the depth of the anguish, and that anytime it comes to the top of my consciousness I will always feel as terrible as the day it happened.

Also, I initially just responded to H with "Ok". However, I definitely have an urge to remind him that this is not what I want and that my goal is to become his teammate in life and grow together and see everything we could accomplish together. I have the text drafted but I have not sent it.

I also feel like calling his mom, not to be like "omg your son just filed on me" but to simply let her know and talk, as a mother figure. I had sent her a few messages over Thanksgiving to see how they were doing and did tell her I wanted to call soon anyway.

Again I know this doesn't mean I should give up but god I really do feel like that's the only option now. I just really can't believe how this is unfolding and I really wish I could give a big middle finger and walk away realizing it's not the best situation for me. I just feel like I'm losing so much and that it's the dumbest thing ever and what did I miss and how did it escalate so quickly and how can people even be this way.