Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 5

[Davide]

Hey folks. I just wanted to check in with an update. Things are going well. I spent a wonderful long weekend with my parents at the beach and had a sumptuous meal with my extended family. I also was able to spend an afternoon with my high school best friend and his wife and four kids, and spend a night with a good college friend and his wife and baby. I think at a lot of points in the recent past I would have been at least a bit depressed by seeing their families and suffering from the sin of comparison. But this time I genuinely enjoyed the time - I love kids and babies.

I also recently decided to start dating again. It was not a choice that I took lightly. Nor do I kid myself that I am completely healed from the trauma of the dissolution of my marriage. I am not fully healed. But I realized that there was no goal line that I was going to cross, no endpoint at which time it would be crystal clear that I am healed and over it. It is always an ongoing process, which I know from working through the grief of losing my brother. So, despite still working through my grief, I came to the realization that I am capable of both grief and love. I am not doing this to fill a void in my life, to make up for deficiencies (which I need to fill myself), but because I think that I have a lot to offer. I have love in my heart which I am ready to share with someone who is worthy of it.

One of the inspirations for my decision was a podcast called "Terrible, Thanks for Asking" which is hosted by a female writer who lost her husband to brain cancer at age 31 with a small baby to raise on her own. I highly recommend it in general as an unflinchingly honest look at grief and loss, done in a way that is neither cheesily uplifting nor simply depressing. In any case, a recent episode was a selection from her upcoming book in which she talks about not letting anyone "should" on you. She uses this expression to mean worrying both about other people think you should do in the grief process, as well as what your own internal expectations make you think you should do. She is remarried two years later with a new baby with her new husband, but she still struggles with the grief over her loss.

A part of the episode which really resonated with me was this:

Some people closed themselves around their loss, it makes them and their world smaller. Nobody blames them for this but they do get impatient with it. It's not easy to befriend a hedgehog whose quills are constantly out. Some people use that gaping hole as an incentive to climb out, to make themselves and their lives bigger, not just in honor of the person they lost but also in honor of themselves and of the glorious fact that they still get to be alive.

In any case, I have been on a couple of dates which have gone well. There is always the awkward conversation in which I alert them to the fact that not only am I still married, but separated, but also that my seven year marriage only ended seven months ago. One woman that I am currently seeing was very skeptical of my emotional readiness after that admission. I simply told her the truth, as I laid out above, and that I certainly couldn't make any promises or give assurances beyond that. I hope that my honesty and willingness to openly self-reflect is enough to avoid hurting anyone.

Finally, last night when I came home from dinner with friends my W was sitting on the back steps after walking the dog. I said hi and later she came in and we talked just a little bit. She was tearing up, and then started crying and said that she always wants to talk with me but that she can't help but cry from unresolved emotions. She remarked that I seemed under control. I tried to validate by saying that I knew how it felt to lack control over emotions, but that was pretty much it and she left. We agreed to meet and talk about finances at some point in the coming weeks.

It was the first time in a long time that I felt sympathy for her after a long stretch of resentment. She just seemed weak and all over the place emotionally. But I felt no desire to comfort her or hug her, or take any responsibility for her emotions. I felt bad seeing her like that, but in a distanced way. Internally, it felt like a big shift. For a long time I haven't spent much if any time wondering what she is doing, but when put face to face I felt put on the defensive emotionally. But this time it felt like the tables were flipped.

In any case, I look forward to a few 2x4s after this update, and hope that they will help clarify and refine my thinking even more.