[SteveLW]

Wanted1.......

So I am struggling here. Where in the above post, other than attending the GAL community event, is there any DBing going on?

Let's recap:

1) You admit to losing your cool and throwing something down the hall.
2) You then ask her to attend Retrouvaille
3) You then snoop and find out her and OM are still in contact
4) You are still planning on attending Retrouvaille if she agrees DESPITE wanting to burn everything to the ground over the texting
5) You then find it inappropriate and disrespectful for her to be in contact with OM despite the fact that you are supposed to be giving her time and space, concentrating on you (GAL, 180s, and DETACHMENT (capitalized because you are failing royally in that department).

On top of it, overall this post is full of a microscope pointed squarely at her.

So let's discuss all of this:

First, losing your cool and throwing something down the hall. BAD BAD BAD. Read many other poster's sitches and you will see that WAWs, and especially WWs, will use any excuse to cast you in a bad light related to their "fear" of what you you will do. Read OrangeK's sitch. He has been under a TRO for a longtime because he lost his cool and punched his STBXW's car. One of the things we try to impress on newbies is to never ever give your WAW any inkling of a loss of control related to anger and temper. Many a LBH has been slapped with a restraining order and escorted in handcuffs out of his own house. Don't be that guy. I highly suggest you start looking into temper control mechanisms. As a former temper-tantrum guy myself I would be willing to bet that this disc throwing incident isn't your first temper loss of control incident. So 180 on that PRONTO.

2) Retrouvaille. WHY? WHY would you ask again? Just go on your GAL trip. The Bishop gave you some very insightful info: "Told us both that she needs time to heal herself and that she might not have it in her to be a W right now." You dismiss it, essentially, as him being on her side. WRONG. This guy is telling you what you won't listen from your W. Time and space means TIME AND SPACE. It doesn't mean "hey, let's go to a marriage seminar!". Revoke that invite and go on your GAL. More than likely her "i'll think about it" was more about you not going away for the weekend and leaving her alone with the kids. She already expressed disapproval of being home alone with the kids (with the whole community event thing).

3) Snooping. Step back from your sitch and ask yourself. Is snooping and then "monitoring what you found" really giving her time and space? Come on Wanted, you know this was wrong. Not because you invaded he privacy or any of that, but because it is BAD FOR YOU! Snooping never improves your sitch, and can only causes you to have feelings of "wanting to burn everything to the ground". Step back from this and breathe....... You obviously expected to find something otherwise you wouldn't have snooped. Trust me, on this, I was a serial snooper! Read my sitch. Snooping and finding something will always set you back. All you did was stoke your jealousy (lack of detachment) and my guess is, as with most of us, you are upset with OM. Even though he isn't your problem......your W is. And you are already supposed to be giving her time and space. Wanted, you took the MBR because of her behavior. That was your boundary. Leave her to deal with her own demons for now. If and when she decides to R, and you are still open to it, then you can deal with her contact with OM or anyone else.

4) This is contradictory. See #2 above. In fact, why would you even consider Retrouvaille when she is actively stepping outside of the MR?

5) Here is the crux of the problem. Your feelings. I feel it is inappropriate. I feel it is disrespectful. Why? She has already fired you as her H. For all intents and purposes you are no longer MR. She is sleeping in the basement as a roommate. What exactly is she disrespecting and being inappropriate about. She hasn't misled you. She isn't saying she wants to R yet still talking to OM. You are reacting here instead of responding. You are feeling instead of thinking. You are not DBing!!!!!

Wanted, you fell off of the DB horse. Get back up on it. Let her go to get her back. GAL. 180. And work on detachment!!! You have way to tight a grip on that rope.