[Wanted1]

Well, I'm coming here to vent so I don't do something irrational, but first a slight update:

Meeting with Bishop didn't really accomplish much. He has always been W's spiritual advisor and has basically been family of hers for a long, long time. He spoke about her past and how fragile her state of mind is right now because of opening up all of those wounds. Told us both that she needs time to heal herself and that she might not have it in her to be a W right now. It's going to take all of her energy to be a mother and focus on getting herself right. I'm not sure what sort of a synopsis she gave him prior to the meeting but he told me what she wrote about was vastly different than what I did. He suggested we share what each of us wrote to him with each other so we know where the other is coming from. We haven't yet and TBH, I'm not interested in seeing what she wrote. Maybe IF she would ever make the decision to try to R I would be interested but at this point I'm not, at all.

Something she said in the meeting though has really bothered me. She made mention of "fearing" what I would do to her, the kids and the house and used a conversation we had a couple weeks ago as justification for those fears. During that conversation, she was frustrating me to no end with the constant focus on negatives and twisting my words to fit her narrative. I was irritated as hell and grabbed a couple tiny rubber disks that were on the counter about the size of a silver dollar and threw them down the hallway, which was in the exact opposite direction of her. I'll repeat, they were thrown in the complete opposite direction of where she was standing. I've never once threatened physical harm to her or anything remotely close. I'm not a violent person at all. The thought of laying a hand on her has never, ever, crossed my mind in everything we've been through and that is the honest to God truth. This mindset tells me one of two things: 1) She is using it as a manipulation tactic to further justify her reasons for wanting to leave or 2) if she truly does fear harm from me, that speaks volumes to just how broken and fragile she is right now. Like I said, she has NO reason to fear any type of physical harm from me. I've never given her even the slightest idea that I would do anything like that, ever.

My only response when she said this during her meeting was, "You seriously think I would harm the kids?!?" To which she replied, "Oh did I say the kids? No, I don't think you would hurt the kids." I then just let it pass and didn't say anything more but since she said that, I can't help but think WTF is going on right now!

Fast forward to this past weekend. We got home from Thanksgiving at her parents on Saturday. We drove separate so I was home before her and the kids. Once they were home and we got the kids to bed, I left to go GAL. There was a community get together down town. On Sunday morning, I added to the shared calendar 'Wanted1 gone' for next weekend. Afterwards, she came into the MBR where I was and asked to talk to me. She said that I can shut her out and she understands it but she would appreciate it, since we are parents together, to let her know when I'm leaving. She then claimed that S3 was up crying and wandering around upstairs while I was gone. She sleeps in the basement. She said if she would have known I was gone, she would have slept on the couch upstairs. Some of this is sort of BS because she would have gotten a notification on her phone from the security camera app showing me leaving. She then went on to say, "Are you just living the single life now or what?" All I really responded was, "No, didn't think so. I just went down to the [community event]."

So, my GAL activity that is planned for this coming weekend is out of town. I found out that there is a Retrouvaille program in the same city for this weekend. I decided that I was going to ask one last time and see if she would be interested in attending. I texted her that I was sure I knew the answer but thought I'd ask anyway since my family is my #1 priority and I would gladly miss GAL activity if she were interested. She responded a couple hours later with "Let me think about it." In the past, she has been pretty vocal about her "hesitations" with Retrouvaille. I've suggested it probably 3-4 times in the past 2 months as something I would like to try. I'm not getting my hopes up with her response as I'm sure she will not be in favor of attending but the fact that she just didn't shut it down right off the bat is interesting.

So here is where i need to vent a little bit -- This morning I did some recon and found out that W and OM from earlier this year, who was my best friend, are now texting again. It looks like he reached out to her first yesterday. There were texts back and forth a couple times throughout the day but also quite a few back and forth this morning starting VERY early. 4:30 A.M. I'm not sure what I should do with this info. Part of me wants to burn everything to the freaking ground right now. Out the contact to OM W, tell both OM and W that I know they are talking again and tell her to file for the freaking D already and get the hell out of the house.

In the past, I would be confronting her about it as we speak. But, I'm feeling now like I should just sit on this. Monitor it a little more and see just how intense it gets, etc. I'm still waiting for the answer to Retrouvaille. I wondering if when she tells me she's still not comfortable in going if I should just response with something like, "Ok, that's fine. I'm having second thoughts on wanting to do it at this juncture anyway, so that's probably for the best," and let her stew about why I would say that? Do I let her know that I know they are communicating again? I feel like I want her to know that I know so that she knows I'm not as big of an idiot as she thinks I am. She will claim it is "nothing but random conversation," I'm almost positive of that and then accuse me of snooping and invading her privacy and freak out over that. What she doesn't realize is how damn inappropriate and disrespectful it is to simply be in contact with OM. I feel like I'm dealing with a 7 year old who doesn't understand normal adult concepts. My IC told me at the last session that sometimes sex abuse victims have their emotional behaviors and growth stunted right at the time of the abuse. I'm seriously beginning to wonder if that is what is wrong here! Because her reasonings and excuses and feelings seem so immature and childish.