After 2 days of no contact I'm feeling a lot better.
So what do you take away from that? One is that time and space is as much for you as her. But perhaps more importantly- you are not detached.
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First I accept responsibility. I know how much I hurt you, I didnt water the plant that was our marriage and I know you have a lot of resentment and anger. Its not your fault and I understand.
You don't think she has ANY responsibility in the failure of your M? Because she does, and she needs to own it.
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Its up to you if you want to work on those things that lead to the inconsistency and make communication more difficult. I cant control you and I dont want to. I cant tell you how to do your self care. All I can say is what I need if we are seeing each other. I need you to try your best and put effort into what the therapist has recommended. If you choose to follow the therapists recommendations I am willing to do my absolute best to go at your pace, be mindful of your needs and respect your words.
^^^Lecturing^^^
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Healthy boundaries and communication - I know communication is hard between us and we have very different issues from our childhood. I can be pushy, negative or critical. I'm aware of that, I'm working on it and try to be mindful. I hope you can remember things you've felt around me like my energy is so different etc.
Redundant considering you're both in counseling.
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I also know who raised you and you have told me at length the issues you have with your parents, I'm not going to criticize or talk about it unless you choose to. I can talk about my [censored] and what affects me and you can talk about yours if you want or when youre ready.
Don't bring up her past, that's for the counselor to explore. She will talk to you if you LISTEN instead of lecturing her.
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I'd like to focus on solving problems and positives rather than negatives.
And yet, your whole list of talking points is negative.
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Telling me Im manic on facetime then shutting down when I respond is not ok. This is gaslighting. I do similar things to you and need to work on not competing / going tit for tat as you call it.
Argumentative. Accusatory. Baiting her for a fight.
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Inviting me over to rub your neck to help you avoid a migrain is ok if we are in therapy and working on things. But if we are friends and taking it slow then being in bed topless in a thong is not. This is manipulation.
Wow. Don't say that if you ever want to see her topless again. Who complains about seeing their wife topless.
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Dating me and intentionally pulling away and keeping me at arms length is not ok. This is counter productive and painful for me. If we are dating I need you to work on the things the therapist has recommended and building a foundation not keep me at a distance.
Don't tell her what to do, that's not communication. That's control and manipulation. Here's the thing, if you are detached and she pulls you in, you don't go all-in. And if she pushes you away, you don't cry about it. Why? Because when you are detached, you are unaffected by her emotional roller coaster. She goes up and down while you stay steady.
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If we are talking avoiding communication because it is hard is not ok. Marriage is hard and takes work everyone I talk to says that. Many dont learn it until too late. I know that now and Im sorry I didnt sooner. We need to tell each other exactly what we mean so we dont assume and continue this negative cycle.
Check into Retrouvaille. You need it really bad, probably worse than her. You are in dire need of learning how to communicate, this list is just awful. It's damaging and will set your recon prospects back light-years.
If you want to have a meaningful conversation with her than take your above list and burn it. Then get with her and LISTEN and VALIDATE.
