I don’t mean nice him into coming home, or allow him to cake eat, but your H sounds messed up in more ways than one, and a little compassion (with appropriate boundaries) for someone we once (or still) love is a good value to have. But, if doing that hurts you in the process, then leave him to him to his mess.
This is the difficult balance I face. I do have compassion for him. He IS really messed up. I just have to have it from afar and not slip into the "I'll take care of it (or you)" role that we are so used to after so many years. I know that many on this board think I'm making it way to easy for him, and I probably was. My resolve is not to abandon him, but to give him the freedom to start helping himself, if he chooses to do that. I have to step back and give up that roll. He commented on the happiness he saw in me just a few days ago. I don't want to lose the gains I've made by slipping into old habits and status quo. I think he considers that an option (status quo) because he doesn't want to make any difficult decisions. He wants ME to do that for him. I won't.
