Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[Adam04]

I've been anxious with boundaries. I've been wanting to set them just to set them because the way my mind works is that I have to have some type of action, thinking action would equal progress.

I don't think you get it, but maybe I don't understand what you mean. Do you understand the purpose of boundaries? Could you expound a little more on this, please?

Because W and I don't really talk, there are no boundaries set. I don't feel like there's anything pressing I have to get off my chest right now that "fits" our current situation other than the A. Because I don't feel there are any boundaries being laid down, I feel like there is no progress. burned also commented and talked about what I was getting at. Sometimes we want to do something to "fix" things so we try to figure out what it is we need to do, what action to take. He's been spinning. We think of what boundaries to set when sometimes there just aren't any for the time being. One boundary is controlling the space. Although it is not verbally communicated, I'm not allowing her into my space because I reserve that for someone who wants to be in the MR, because she isn't, I'm removing -myself- away from her when I can without affecting the children. When children are involved, like dinnertime, I'm cordial.

I am not saying it'll get me in good with her, but I hope in time with things happening naturally, that if I put myself in a position to do better, to also help others, that if she does notice, who knows... ( I know not to expect anything, I'm making an observation on my current situation with IHS, living together respectfully, and having opportunities to show the other person something positive, where taking an action (fixing fence) leads to something else positive ( helping brother) = how wife feel? this could be akin to action (GAL) coming home (action = not relying on W for emotional support) = how wife feel?)

That entire paragraph reeks of expectations and trying to think about how your actions will influence her feelings. NGS! You're new at this so don't feel bad, I'm just pointing it out so you start to get a sense of how insidious it can be. BTW, I'm not saying I'm any better at it than you are...

Watch out for "the illusion of action." You've read through my posts, you've seen me spinning for months trying to calculate exactly what to do to "fix this." Hasn't gotten me anywhere. So don't forget the one of the official DB principles from the DR book is that sometimes doing nothing is better than doing something, because "something" wasn't working, and "nothing" is something different.

Hey burn, I don't feel bad. I knew how it sounded coming out, and I take full responsibility for that. I was trying to comment with several ideas meshed into that one paragraph. I hear ya on the illusion of action. I need to stop trying to be a busybody thinking I gotta do something.