Just saw my H. Tried to talk about Christmas but it didn’t get very far. He hasn’t thought about it and doesn’t want to think about it quite yet. I am so not in a good place right now. This illness, the looming financial discussion, his cold eyes when he looks at me... it is almost too much to bear. I just want to run away and leave my overactive brain behind for awhile. I had absolutely no idea that I was this co-dependent. That is not who I thought I was. I’ve always been someone who does the right thing and takes the high road. I’m having such a tough time even seeing the high road right now. I just feel so pathetic and I’m sure I look pathetic which makes it even worse. My H can see right through me and it s#cks. Why don’t I hate him? Wouldn’t it be easier if I did? I hate what he did but then I look into his beautiful green eyes and I forget for a second. And then I remember and my heart breaks all over again. Pitiful, isn’t it? Man...this pity party HAS to end soon.
