I should have thought ahead and had plans tonight. After the holiday long weekend where I was able to keep busy, returning home after a normal day at work was panic-inducing. I looked over to a side table and it looked strange. W took a decorative plate that used to sit there, which was hers. I don't know why that stupid thing hit me but my heart started pounding and I felt like the walls were closing in. I had to do some deep breathing.
I think I was on the forum too long today, this is all I am thinking about. I need to focus on what's next, not wallow in the fact that this is happening. I'm still playing catch-up to the change that took place in W's personality, and I'm fighting denial because I still think she will come out of this. Logic and my heart are duking it out. In my mind this is a 6 month separation, and by next summer we'll be back to reconciling. I know I don't actually know, but I think I need to slowly kick that idea out.
I'm trying to GAL but I need to kick it into high gear. I've always preferred solo activities, but that won't cut it right now. What I really need is to work on making new friends. I have my parents who regularly ask me to hang out. I have my brother and wonderful future sis-in-law who are also local and ask me to hang out regularly. And I have 1 very close friend who has been supportive but is also a mom of a 3 year old and of course has her own life. My colleagues are supportive at work but I need more friendly faces for after work. That should be my continued focus.
This week I will: 1) Contact L for consult 2) Exercise at least 2 days 3) Continue identifying GAL activities that don't cost a million dollars
Any ideas for 30 somethings where I can regularly attend to meet people, but maybe isn't super expensive? Things I already do that are solo activities:
*Take online web programming classes (I work at a uni), *Pursue Salesforce Admin skills via Trailhead *Avid knitter *reconnecting with bassoon playing *Go to opera films *Go to library
I think I was on the forum too long today, this is all I am thinking about. I need to focus on what's next, not wallow in the fact that this is happening. I'm still playing catch-up to the change that took place in W's personality, and I'm fighting denial because I still think she will come out of this. Logic and my heart are duking it out. In my mind this is a 6 month separation, and by next summer we'll be back to reconciling. I know I don't actually know, but I think I need to slowly kick that idea out.
You never know. I see you making some pretty impressive progress in a short amount of time. Not sure what the vets think. Of course you know that 6 months is quick in DB time, but if you can keep up the changes you’re implementing, anything is possible. Stay optimistic.
Originally Posted by Yail
Any ideas for 30 somethings where I can regularly attend to meet people, but maybe isn't super expensive?
Check Meetup.
Originally Posted by Yail
Things I already do that are solo activities:
*Take online web programming classes (I work at a uni), *Pursue Salesforce Admin skills via Trailhead *Avid knitter *reconnecting with bassoon playing *Go to opera films *Go to library
You seem like the adventurous type. Maybe you’re the one who needs to create a Meetup so that they come to you? I’d gladly get together with strangers to watch an opera. Make it an event, put out a cheese plate and some wine. Or pizza and beer, which is totally compatible with opera when you’re in the comfort of your own home. Stitch and b’tch, or knit nights? (This makes me a little sad because W was a phenomenal knitter but hated opera so... anyway, you get to do it all!)
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
You never know. I see you making some pretty impressive progress in a short amount of time. Not sure what the vets think. Of course you know that 6 months is quick in DB time, but if you can keep up the changes you’re implementing, anything is possible. Stay optimistic.
I do feel I've had a major wake-up call to some important things about my life and changes I need to make. But W has 100% disconnected except for bare-bones communication, and she's a very strong headed person. While I may be making progress for myself, I can't see W changing her mind or even temp checking me. (yes, I know, mindreading and forcasting too). I know the whole purpose is to better myself, but I just wish she could get a grip.
I re-watched "Nannette" last night (Hannah Gadsby special on Netflix). I started sobbing when she started talking about the shame of being gay and how it teaches you to hate yourself. I'm not in the mental health field, but i do think this is a big key to W's MLC. I hope she sticks with IC and can work through it - she needs to heal on this front.
Originally Posted by burned
Stitch and b’tch, or knit nights?
That's a fun idea, I've seen them around locally in the past, but not lately. I'll have to look. Thanks!
I would second the meet up suggestion. There is a lot on there and you will definitely find something you are into. Look for interest based groups rather than social meet up groups (these tend to feel a little forced) so that you have a focus (book clubs, knitting circles, hiking groups etc). Turn your solo activities into group ones.
Great idea re getting some training in. Time is your friend (one of the things they say here) use it to improve yourself. See if you can do some class based courses instead of online. It will be a good way to meet some new people that you might just want to hang out with.
Re the crying over a pot plant. This is grief. It will hit you and continue hitting you for a long time. The good news is it happens less frequently over time and, whilst each episode is like reliving it all over again, they don't tend to last as long.
FS you wrote a really sweet post but I've gotta say this part made me giggle. It was a plate that was missing, BUT the funny thing is W did in fact get rid of her pot plants in one of her moments of acting weird. I suppose it's for the best, the snowI would have killed them.
But really, I appreciate your suggestion of a Meetup that is more task-based. That's good feedback to have in advance before I dive in so I don't get scared off.
Yali... if I can do it, so can you!!! Get the meet-up app and check out what is in your area. I found one for women aged 40+ and also a hiking one that seems to have its share of men. Checking out the women’s one first. We’ll see about the other. Some of them look a little hard core...lol. Need to work up to that one.
I think I'm firmly in denial. This creature is some other crazy creature that has taken over my W. My W would never, ever, ever ask for a D. She would never have an A. She loved me from the tips of her toes.
I am firmly being sure to not seek out answers on OW. I still only have confirmation of an EA and a kiss. I don't want more confirmation. I can assume there has been more and not be ignorant about this, but I don't want to "know". Saturday W is coming back to attend friend's funeral service and OW will be there. I need to be out of the house all day and night. I don't want to hear her coming in at 11PM knowing they went out drinking or whatever after the service. Nope. Don't want to know. Don't want that stab in the heart.
There's still a chance she really hasn't continued with OW. W knows she needs to get her feet under her and that it's not a good time for a R. She knows it's wrong because she's still M. But although she knows it logically, does MLC/WW listen? I don't know.
I'm still convinced that eventually we can R. She will come out of this and know that she wasn't herself for a while. But I don't know if that's true. Technically she is WW, but I'm very convinced this began with MLC and pain she needs to work on privately. I know I can't just wait around for her. And I won't. But as I replay how this all devolved so quickly, I can't help but realize she HAS to return to her old self. A better than her old self. This person that she is now will destroy her - it is everything against what I believe her true values are.
It's the disconnection between each event or each meeting that gets me. We would be okay, then the next time we spoke after NOTHING happened she would be cold and distant and angry. And the next time would be different. And then again. There was no continuity between us on her moods. I guess that speaks to possible relationship with OW.
I've had to divide her into two people in my mind: My W I know and love and partnered with for 9 years. And now this foreign, distant person who is trying to be as "kind" as possible to me while killing off my former W. I need to keep the old memories untainted.
I'm struggling with the "ring" question. I took off my engagement ring a while ago. It was gorgeous and I loved it. I have worn it for maybe 6 years. It was a painful reminder of our wonderful years together. I'm still wearing my wedding band. It's very simple and understated, and to me it's the connection I thought would hold us through. But W isn't wearing hers. I know I shouldn't think this way, but I wonder if she will see it as pressure if I wear it through to the D. I'll see how I feel.
I'm feeling sorry for myself in this moment, obviously. And all of this is stuff that so many people have gone through. I'm just seeking that 1 bit of logic that doesn't exist that will explain everything so I can just flip the switch back. All I can do instead is let her go and hope that she finds healing.
Gotta fight the patriarchal systems.