Is love worth the pain? Back to Basics

[Did]

Couple things. First I agree we are not in a relationship. That being said what does all this make us, dating I suppose? W opened up to me and told me some very personal stuff - future / sexual / mental health, we mutually agreed to date exclusively, she said she loved me multiple times, she cut off other men after we had great sex 4 different days. During these intimate times she brought up a future together. Again the inconsistency. We aren't seeing other people and are in therapy. If that ends Im not opposed to divorce, at this point after 1.5 years enough is enough. Maybe I go black for a month first and keep with my timetable of February to continue to work on this marriage. Shes inconsistent for sure but if there is no love / attraction / respect underneath then what the F am I doing. We still have too much attachment and affect each other too much. Does attachment mean there is something there or just a bunch of unhealthy past traumas still affecting us... I dont have the answers and I think it depends on the sitch maybe some of both.

That being said, if we aren't communicating things aren't going to improve. If we go back to sleeping with other people things arent going to improve. If shes having sex with others and Im not its not going to improve. The distance / pursuit is unhealthy her relationship since BD have been very unhealthy. We've talked about this in therapy at length. Yes if I distance myself she may show interest but that does not make a relationship. If Im healthier and she is not healthier the same problems will repeat. When I pursue that's also unhealthy and that has been my mistake. I have had 3 chances where she has come back and I have responded by being too much like an excited puppy dog.

I have to be strong and go with a tough love approach. If she deserves love and to date me than I try my best. If not I dont have time for her. It needs to be mutual and at a pace we both are comfortable with. This may be slower than I want but the main thing is if we are both doing the work on ourselves and dating I'm fine. If she doesn't do what the therapist recommended and won't do the work I'm out - go black - work to accept divorce.

This is a long separation. My timetable is by Feb we have progress or we divorce that will be 20 months. Therapist recommended a timetable so there it is.

Yes, I want her and our family together, I want to hold my wife and have morning coffee date night great sex D4 daily... But I cant do it by myself, shes as responsible as I am. Either way, I know there is a great life for me ahead and I trust that there is a partner who will want to consistently work on herself and build a healthy relationship with me.

After 2 days of no contact I'm feeling a lot better. I'm still learning how to be mentally healthy on my own after 9 years of a codependent relationship.

As Im writing this she facetimed me, I answered and talked to D4. It seems we are going to talk tomorrow.

Talking points:

First I accept responsibility. I know how much I hurt you, I didnt water the plant that was our marriage and I know you have a lot of resentment and anger. Its not your fault and I understand.

Its up to you if you want to work on those things that lead to the inconsistency and make communication more difficult. I cant control you and I dont want to. I cant tell you how to do your self care. All I can say is what I need if we are seeing each other. I need you to try your best and put effort into what the therapist has recommended. If you choose to follow the therapists recommendations I am willing to do my absolute best to go at your pace, be mindful of your needs and respect your words.

Healthy boundaries and communication - I know communication is hard between us and we have very different issues from our childhood. I can be pushy, negative or critical. I'm aware of that, I'm working on it and try to be mindful. I hope you can remember things you've felt around me like my energy is so different etc.

I also know who raised you and you have told me at length the issues you have with your parents, I'm not going to criticize or talk about it unless you choose to. I can talk about my [censored] and what affects me and you can talk about yours if you want or when youre ready.

I'd like to focus on solving problems and positives rather than negatives.

Telling me Im manic on facetime then shutting down when I respond is not ok. This is gaslighting.
I do similar things to you and need to work on not competing / going tit for tat as you call it.

Inviting me over to rub your neck to help you avoid a migrain is ok if we are in therapy and working on things. But if we are friends and taking it slow then being in bed topless in a thong is not. This is manipulation.

Dating me and intentionally pulling away and keeping me at arms length is not ok. This is counter productive and painful for me. If we are dating I need you to work on the things the therapist has recommended and building a foundation not keep me at a distance.

If we are talking avoiding communication because it is hard is not ok. Marriage is hard and takes work everyone I talk to says that. Many dont learn it until too late. I know that now and Im sorry I didnt sooner. We need to tell each other exactly what we mean so we dont assume and continue this negative cycle.

As long as we are working on things I will do my absolute best. I will make mistakes and I hope that we have enough progress that we can minimize the mistakes instead of letting them overwhelm and take steps backwards as happened this past week or two.

If you agree with me and want to continue to date that's up to you. You have just as much control of everything between us as I do. What do you need from me?