So my biggest task now is to try to come to terms with it...to own my own part...to take responsibility...and to find some peace. Funny...all this time I have been thinking about and focusing on finding a way to forgive my H but I really think the person I am struggling most to forgive is myself. Wow...this is SUCH a PAINFUL process.
Hey DjV - That looking in the mirror is a b!tch, but in the end it is worth it. We cannot forgive ourselves until we know what it is we are forgiving ... and it is from this uncomfortable stand point we can begin to work on self love. It is not a nice process, but I think a necessary one.
There was an interesting chain of posts on Paco's thread about the 'crises' and how one moves from the crises to self growth. I honestly think that we too are in crises. A forced, unexpected crises, but a crises nonetheless and we, the LBS, can cause as much damage and self harm as those that triggered the crises in the first place. It all comes down to whether we internalize or externalize fault, how secure or insecure we are, and also, what our capacity for forgiveness is ... both forgiveness for ourselves and forgiveness for others.
You also mention shame. Shame is the internalization of guilt and it is so much more painful and ultimately does more harm. Do not go down that road. Once it takes root, shame grows like a weed. Look in the mirror, but don't forget to look with kindness. That woman was doing the best she could. Others would have given up and thrown his lying [censored] out onto the street. You have actively sought to empathise and understand things from is point of view. Other women would have used their children as pawns. You held it together for them even when your world was falling apart. In fact, quite a lot of your posts are dedicated to the impact of this on your children. How you mourn for what they have lost. You are a good person, with a big heart, and you are a great mom.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
But how could I miss something so fundamentally important? I'm not sure I will ever really understand.
DejaVu, you are a deeply emotionally intelligent woman so you must have sensed something was not right those years your H was AWOL, but I bet you turned a blind eye to it because the alternative, that your H was somehow hiding or having an A, was not something you were willing to face. Next time, whether it be with your H, or in some new R, you will listen to your intuition and not be afraid to ask those tough questions. You will actively work on your next R. You will not let someone take you for granted, because despite your faults, you know your worth. You are worth more than a man who hides away for four years and until he faces those demons, you will always be worth more.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
I also think I've been 'unsettled' by news at the weekend, which if I know my husband, means there may be trouble in paradise. It's tempting to contact him on a pretext and be 'mrs nice and concerned' just to stir it up a bit. Desperate, wicked, nasty, foolish etc etc I know and I won't do it. But it's tempting.
I so get the temptation .. and I won't even advise against it (expectations and all that), but as I don't think you have any expectations apart from to twist that rope a little .... ah, to get to that point where my only expectation is to cause a little mischief
